My Heart is a Battle Ground

Hiding...

2006-03-21T14:09:00.000-07:00

...is something I won't bother to do anymore...frankly it's a waste of my time.

You can find me here, should you get the gumption.

---> Broken <---

2006-02-25T08:39:00.000-07:00

"Anonymous said...
It saddens me to have watched someone for the last five years who is so good at deception and coerciveness go to waste. You really are, or should I say were, brilliant Cora, but you have gone crazy over the years.Do you realize how mentally ill you sound?Then again, not all genius is meant for good or productive things.
February 25, 2006 1:28 AM"

I'm amused as all hell...

Tell me anonymous, who are you? Email me, because I don't recall having any friends who think me a genius. I also don't recall having any friends who don't know for a fact that I am insane. I would love to discover who you are. Harlequinn_dreams@yahoo.com, I would be thrilled to hear from you.

Oh and by the way, this blog is going bye-bye. I'm getting a new one, where I can be free. Hopefully many of you will not find it. Goodbye, lads and lassies.

::insert blodd curdling scream of frustration here::

2005-12-05T15:04:00.000-07:00

I have to say that I am getting really tired about finding out about Bill being incredibly pissed off at me from his blog and/or his friends. I really think that, as his wife, I should find out...FROM HIM.

Honey, if you are reading this, please...Tell me your feelings. That is what I'm here for. I'm not just the trophy wife. I'm not trying to own you. I just...sometimes I have to be selfish. And lately, I've been insecure. I feel like you are leaving me slowly. That would kill me. So please, love...if you still care about me at all...tell me how you feel when you feel it.

Edit: "Anonymous said...
You are not a wife YET! And if you don't back off on LT, you never will be. He's loyal and faithful, and he loves you. But he's 19 years old, and you are trying to stick him in an old married guy barcolounger with house slippers. You're both still young- why not ease up a little?
December 07, 2005 11:44 AM "

You're obviously an idiot- why not shut up a little? We expect things from each other. We treat each other as husband and wife, and we both make mistakes. However, when I make mistakes we talk about it, and when he makes mistakes, he corrects himself and then rants on his blog. That's what the post is about.

Don't make comments if you don't know what if going on and how our lives run. Unless you are one of us, just...go away.

New Home (Home?)

2005-11-29T16:12:00.000-07:00

So here I am in my new house. It's a nice place, I'll admit, but I really wish that...well...yeah, we all know what I wish. The thing that sucks most is that I have to share a room with my sisters, but...I don't think that will be all so horrible (if they follow some rules.).

So if anyone noticed, it's 22 days now. I'm starting to get really excited now. The only thing though is that I have no idea what to get him for Christmas and it's driving me nuts. I already know what my presents are--for the most part--and yet I still have no clue what to get him. Maybe I'll just let him pick something out that he likes. I don't know. Ideas anyone?

I'll be able to start updating regularly again soon, so everyone be on the lookout again.

PS: Little Sess - Next time you have free time and you're not doing something, tell me and I'd like to come over and see you. Oh, and Daemon. Plus, I have a gift for you.

Sis - I can't believe I'm going to be seeing you again soon! We're going to have so much fun!

Maie Anleh - E muja oui!

....I'm done now.

What Is Love?

2005-11-15T14:03:00.000-07:00

what is love?
something you are not supposed to
hear, see, or touch...
but yet i hear it
when you speak to me each night
but yet i see it
when i look into your eyes
but yet i can touch it
when i wrap my arms around you
what is love?
i can describe it
like i can my own face
jade green eyes
quirky smile
strawberry hair
big black boots
outrageous piercings
amazing body
what is love?
love is what i hear
when i speak to you
love is what i see
when i look at you
love is what i touch
when i hold you
i wouldn't have it any other way...

Wrote this for Bill last night...it kept floating about my head so I finally gave it and wrote it down. Comment please?

Stick With You...

2005-11-13T14:43:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna go another day
So I'm telling you, exactly what is on my mind
Seems like everybody is breaking up
And throwing their love away
But I know I got a good thing right here
That's why I say (Hey)

Nobody gonna love me better, I must stick with you forever
Nobody gonna take me higher, I must stick with you
You know how to appreciate me, I must stick with you my baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way, I must stick with you

I don't wanna go another day
So I'm telling you, exactly what is on my mind
See the way we ride, in our private lives
Ain't nobody gettin' in between
I want you to know that, you're the only one for me (one for me)
(What I'm sayin' is)

Nobody gonna love me better, I must stick with you forever
Nobody gonna take me higher, I must stick with you
You know how to appreciate me, I must stick with you my baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way, I must stick with you

And now, ain't nothing else I can need
And now, I'm singing 'cause you're so, so into me
I got you, we'll be making love endlessly
I'm with you (baby I'm with you)
Baby you're with me (baby you're with me,oh yah)

So don't cha worry about
People hanging around
They ain't bringing us down
I know you, and you know me
And that's all that counts
So don't cha worry about
People hanging around
They ain't bringing us down
I know you, and you know me
And that's, that's why I say (Hey)

Nobody gonna love me better, I must stick with you forever
Nobody gonna take me higher, I must stick with you
You know how to appreciate me, I must stick with you my baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way, I must stick with you

Nobody gonna love me better, I must stick with you forever
Nobody gonna take me higher, I must stick with you
You know how to appreciate me, I must stick with you my baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way, I must stick with you

Baby... I just want you to know that you are my everything. No one could ever mean as much to me as you do. I love you with all my heart. I know we've been fighting lately, but everything will get better. I know sometimes I can be really bitchy, and I'm sorry about that, I've been trying not to over react about things.

Just remember: we can do anything. There is nothing that can stop us.

So then...

2005-11-12T23:04:00.000-07:00

Me and Bill have been arguing a lot lately, but I think I just fixed
everything all up. We argued over some really stupid stuff, then things settled
down for a few days, but tonight he got antsy about being on the phone again and
I got mad.

Cora (11/12/2005 9:06:57 PM): Okay. I seriously want to know what your fucking problem is. For the past year and 4 months, you have said NOTHING about talking on the phone, and actually got just as upset as I did when we didn't talk for long, and now you just all the sudden don't want to talk? That makes no sense to me at all, and you're "explanations" don't make any sense either. I think you just don't want to talk. That's how this makes me feel. Never EVER before have you not wanted to talk to me. If you didn't feel like talking, you at least let me talk to you, and that was fine with me. It just makes me feel better to be on the phone with you because that is as close to you as I can get. But if you don't want to fucking talk....whatever...

Lee (11/12/2005 9:30:09 PM): forgive me for saying what I feel. I wont do it again

Cora (11/12/2005 9:30:33 PM): Don't start that shit. There has to be a reason behind your sudden changes and I want to know what is wrong.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:31:44 PM): because it seems like you don't trust me, that you are trying to control me and that you keep walking all over me. I'm getting tried of letting it pass.

Cora (11/12/2005 9:32:00 PM): I'm not trying to do any of that, we've discussed this before.

Cora (11/12/2005 9:32:17 PM): I do trust you, I'm not trying to control you, and I don't want to walk all over you.

Cora (11/12/2005 9:32:43 PM): I asked you last time we argued about that to tell me when you have a problem with something I'm doing.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:33:06 PM): I thought it had passed when last we talked about it

Lee (11/12/2005 9:33:11 PM): evidently it didn't

Cora (11/12/2005 9:33:30 PM): Bill, I'm sorry. But sometimes I can be overbearing. You just have to tell me

Lee (11/12/2005 9:34:13 PM): I have no problem talking to you but I hate being on the phone. I call you because I want to but it freaks me out to be on for to long. I cant see your face anymore when we talk

Lee (11/12/2005 9:34:20 PM): that's why I don't like to be on for very long

Cora (11/12/2005 9:34:31 PM): I know that, but it's the only thing we have.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:34:40 PM): we have this

Lee (11/12/2005 9:34:48 PM): IM is something I am comfortable in

Cora (11/12/2005 9:34:49 PM): It's just words on a screen to me.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:34:57 PM): not to me

Cora (11/12/2005 9:35:05 PM): Well, to me, it is.

Cora (11/12/2005 9:35:31 PM): To me talking to you like this doesn't really have any value, because I can do this with anyone.

Cora (11/12/2005 9:35:43 PM): Anyone could say that they are you and talk to me.

Cora (11/12/2005 9:36:17 PM): But on the phone I know it's you and its your voice and I'm okay. I hate not seeing your face and how you're reacting, but I deal with it because I would rather know it's you.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:37:17 PM): to me its different

Lee (11/12/2005 9:37:29 PM): if I cant see your face then its just talk with anyone

Cora (11/12/2005 9:37:46 PM): Then why is this any better?

Lee (11/12/2005 9:38:11 PM): because at least here I can articulate what I feel

Cora (11/12/2005 9:38:20 PM): You articulate fine on the phone.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:38:31 PM): but not what I feel

Lee (11/12/2005 9:38:49 PM): only one thing ever seeps into my voice that also lives in my heart

Cora (11/12/2005 9:39:02 PM): You seem to do fine on the phone.

Cora (11/12/2005 9:39:12 PM): I mean...we talk. We tell each other how we feel.

Cora (11/12/2005 9:39:27 PM): I don't see the problem at all, and I'm not understanding why there is a problem at all.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:39:36 PM): I say what I think. Feel is something different

Cora (11/12/2005 9:40:05 PM): So basically, you just THINK you love me? Because I was pretty sure that was an emotion from the heart.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:40:16 PM): that's the one thing

Cora (11/12/2005 9:40:26 PM): That's the only thing that matters, isn't it?

Lee (11/12/2005 9:40:43 PM): yes. but you deserve to know what I feel not what I think

Cora (11/12/2005 9:40:49 PM): Then tell me.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:40:53 PM): and I cant do that on the phone so I would rather avoid it

Cora (11/12/2005 9:40:54 PM): It's not that hard.

Cora (11/12/2005 9:41:06 PM): You don't do it here either, so what's the difference?

Lee (11/12/2005 9:41:31 PM): I try but you make it difficult sometimes

Cora (11/12/2005 9:41:49 PM): Don't blame anything on me, because that will bring the arguing in me right back out.

Cora (11/12/2005 9:41:58 PM): It's not my fault, it's yours if it is anyone's.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:42:42 PM): then it may be

Lee (11/12/2005 9:42:46 PM): but that's how I feel

Lee (11/12/2005 9:42:49 PM): not what I think

Cora (11/12/2005 9:43:18 PM): I hate saying this, but it sounds like you're just trying to make excuses not to talk to me on the phone.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:43:39 PM): shilo said something to me today that made a lot of sense

Cora (11/12/2005 9:43:39 PM): Nothing you're saying has any logic behind it.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:44:44 PM): She said that I am afraid because my relationship with you is the first time I have ever put everything into anything. She said that the distance is finally getting to me and I feel as if you will run off

Lee (11/12/2005 9:45:01 PM): So I go to my fall back. I distance myself to avoid that pain

Lee (11/12/2005 9:45:09 PM): that may be what I am doing

Lee (11/12/2005 9:45:16 PM): I don't know and I cant control it

Cora (11/12/2005 9:45:36 PM): That sounds like what's happening, because like I said, this is all really sudden

Lee (11/12/2005 9:45:40 PM): all I know is that when is see you it will either end it completely or cement it forever

Cora (11/12/2005 9:46:08 PM): That doesn't make me feel any better.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:46:14 PM): nor I

Lee (11/12/2005 9:46:23 PM): but its the only answer i have

Lee (11/12/2005 9:46:35 PM): at this point take it or leave it because I am at a loss

Cora (11/12/2005 9:46:53 PM): I'm not taking or leaving anything, because there is nothing to take or leave.

Cora (11/12/2005 9:47:31 PM): But here is what I have to say: First of all, if I start getting overbearing, just tell me instead of bottling it up and then exploding at me, because then I get defensive and we don't solve anything...like what happened this past week.

Cora (11/12/2005 9:48:40 PM): Second, let me handle things right now, just until we see each other, okay? You're stressing yourself out. So let me take care of everything. If you don't want to talk, at least let me blabber at you until I have nothing left to say. Usually I don't talk for
long so it wouldn't be more than a forty five minute total conversation.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:49:05 PM): there is nothing else I can say. I have said everything that is in my heart and mind except that I love you more even now. For what that's worth its all I have right now

Cora (11/12/2005 9:49:20 PM): Finally, try to relax a little more...everything is going to be okay.

Cora (11/12/2005 9:50:12 PM): Did you read all that, and can you agree with me and do this for the next month?

Lee (11/12/2005 9:51:01 PM): I can try

Cora (11/12/2005 9:51:39 PM): Everything will be okay babe...you just need to stop worrying about everything so much. It's stressing you out, and then putting stress on both of us and our relationship.

Cora (11/12/2005 9:51:48 PM): Everything is going to be fine, you just have to relax.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:52:13 PM): I can try

Cora (11/12/2005 9:52:24 PM): Trying is good enough for me.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:52:50 PM): ok

Cora (11/12/2005 9:53:01 PM): Everything is okay, I promise.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:53:57 PM): I can live with that

Cora (11/12/2005 9:54:14 PM): I'm trying to make you believe it, because I don't feel like you do.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:55:18 PM): I'm tired right now. Everything seems cloudy and dark. I don't know what to think right now

Cora (11/12/2005 9:55:49 PM): I know, so that's why I'm asking you to just trust me...I will guide you through the darkness. You just have to trust me.

Cora (11/12/2005 9:56:02 PM): Everything is going to be okay with us, you just have to trust.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:56:19 PM): I trust you baby

Cora (11/12/2005 9:56:48 PM): Then let me guide you through this hard time.

Cora (11/12/2005 9:57:01 PM): You're stressed out and can't think straight, but I'm doing fine.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:57:32 PM): ok then

Cora (11/12/2005 9:57:50 PM): ::holds you tight:: I love you baby.

Cora (11/12/2005 9:58:02 PM): I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier.

Lee (11/12/2005 9:58:19 PM): I love you to and its ok

the more i give to you, the more i die

2005-11-10T14:13:00.000-07:00

Full Name: Cora Maeve Towers

Were you named after someone? The name of my birth was from the song by...uhm...some eighties guy.

Do you wish upon a star? Don't need to

When did you last cry? hmm...few weeks ago.

Do you like your handwriting? Sometimes

What is your favorite lunch meat? Honey smoked turkey or ham

What is your birth Day? May 8

What is your most embarrassing CD? Willa Ford (I keep it for stripping purposes)

If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? No, I think I'm an annoying bitch.

Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Yes. Because I dont lie to my honey.

Do looks matter? No, but some people are just...UGLY.

How do you release anger? By getting bitchy. I used to cut but I quit.

Where is your second home? Phoenix, AZ

What was your favorite toy as a child? my monster truck with the chain thing and when you pulled the chain it growled.

What class in school do you think was/is totally useless? Dynamics of Money Management

Do you have a journal? several

Do you use sarcasm a lot? All the time

Favorite movies? Jarhead, Full Metal Jacket, Interview with the Vampire, Peter Pan (2003)

What are your nicknames? Cora, "georgeous", kitty or kitten

Would you bungee jump? Hell no

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Most of the time

Do you think you are strong? Willed, yes...physically, my honey says I can be

What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Mint chocolate chip, or triple chocolate brownie from Ben and Jerry's

What are your favorite colors? green, the occasional pink, certain shades of blue, certain shades of "gold"

What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I get bitchy when I don't get my way.

Do you want everyone you send this to send it back? Please

What color pants are you wearing? Blue, I'm still wearing my scrubs

What are you listening to right now? FBI thing on tv

Last thing you ate? uhm...ate....uhm...skittles or something

If you were a crayon, which would it be? I wouldn't be a crayon because crayons are waxy. I would be a silver colored pencil, because silver reflects my inner self.

What is the weather like right now? Sunny but freezing

Last person you talked to on the phone? Bill

Do you like the person who sent this to you? Jeanne is cool

How are you today? Depressed. Dunno why

Favorite drink? chocolate millk or code red

Hair color? Favorite: red, mine: blonde

Eye color? favorite: green (like my honey's), mine: grey blue

Do you wear contacts? No

Favorite food? hotdogs

Favorite pizza topping? Ranch dressing (Im really fond of the chicken bacon ranch pizza from Donato's)

Last movie you watched? Uhhh...Jarhead

Favorite day of the year? Every day Bill holds me

Scary movies or happy endings? Scary movies when Bill can protect me, happy endings otherwise

Summer or Winter? Autumn

Hugs or Kisses? hugs from friends, kisses from Bill

Who is most likely to respond? Uhhmmm...Sis and hopefully Bill?

Who is least likely to respond? Megan

Living arrangements? Hell.

What book(s) are you currently reading? None right now

Whats on your mouse pad? I don't have a mouse pad...laptop...

What did you watch on T.V. today? I'm watching some FBI thing right now.

Favorite smells? Bill, vanilla, chocolate, and uhmmm...Bill.

Rolling Stones or Beatles? Rolling Stones

What's the furthest you've been from home? California

Fav Book? Uhm...the one I am writing, any Harry Potter, any Anita Blake/Merry Gentry, Blood and Chocolate (<3 BaC)

Fav Disney Princess? Belle I guess...Not really big on Disney Princesses.

Marine Orgasms

2005-11-07T15:05:00.000-07:00

I love the sound of the echo from an M16A2 5.56mm makes after being fired....

...But I like the hole it makes too.

I love the way an M40A1 feels in your hands...

...But I adore the neat way the enemy falls with the top of his skull flying off and landing a good ten feet away, AT LEAST.

I love the neat messiness of the MK19 machine gun...

...and I REALLY love how it just MOWS down those mother fuckers.

.......of course I'm not violent....heeheehee.......Let's hope I never get my hands on any of the above, okiedokie?

This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

My rifle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.

My rifle, without me, is useless. Without my rifle, I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me.

I WILL.

My rifle and myself know that what counts in this war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count.

WE WILL HIT.

My rifle is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel. I will ever guard it against the ravages of weather and damage as I will ever guard my legs, my arms, my eyes and my heart against damage. I will keep my rifle clean and ready. We will become part of each other. WE WILL.

Before God, I swear this creed. My rifle and myself are the defenders of my country. We are the masters of our enemy.

WE ARE THE SAVIORS OF MY LIFE.

So be it, until victory is America's and there is no enemy, but peace!

Murder In The Name Of God

2005-11-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

Don't ask where that title came from.

So I'm just lying here, watching this show about the Crusades (title inspiration?) and waiting for maie anleh to call. Also talking to Sis. I went and saw Jarhead with Lexi on Friday after all, and I had a great time. She tried to get me to stay the night with her but I thought it would be awkward. She payed for my ticket (I glared at her for this) and then kissed my cheek when I got out of her car. But yeah, I had a great time....Friday that is....today I found out that the next night another girl from our school stayed with her and now I am almost certain they're going out. I keep putting off asking her because I don't want to know. The dyke part of my heart that I had killed off for so long as grown fond of her, and if she is with Jessica....I don't want to know because I'll get hurt. I feel like Lexi is leading me on, and that hurts enough as it is. ::sigh::

On another note, I spent Saturday with my mom. Well, truthfully I pretty much spent it in the van. I woke up at 8 because mom had a child abuse recognition class at 9 and wanted to pick me up before that. So I sat in the van and listened to music for three hours (Bill called and talked to me for about fourty five minutes of the last hour so that was cool.) and then when she came out I took the keys and drove from then on pretty much. We went to my aunt's to do some laundry, Cici's Pizza for lunch, more laundry, then Taco Hell for dinner. I wanted Hamburger Wagon but it was closed. ::sigh:: Then I went home and talked to Bill for a while, then passed out.

Sunday, today, I pretty much have just sat around all day watching porn. There wasn't really anything on TV until just now when the Crusade thing came on, so porn it was. I cyber raped Bill because of the stupid porn, and then I kinda thought about it and felt sorry for him since he can't get off right now. (His Jacob's Ladder still healing yanno.) But he didn't care and said he's gonna try not to masturbate until we can actually be together. Which is romantic in an erotic way. Heh. And now I'm sitting here, waiting for him to call me when his dumb movie is over with and kinda sorta talking to Sis. Yup.

Wooooot go down to the next post and play with my pussy (cat!)!!

Awwwww

2005-11-06T09:25:00.000-07:00

adopt your own virtual pet!

Cheesepuff is cuuuuute. <3

Okie Dokie

2005-11-04T15:33:00.000-07:00

I'm done pissing people off now. :D Though it was very much enjoyable.

So anyway, tonight I'm going to see Jarhead (hopefully) with Lexi. I just realized last night however that Jarhead is rated R, but she said she can get us in. So I am assuming that we're still gonna see Jarhead and not something totally random.

Bill was sick yesterday with a fever and such, but he says he's fine today. I am suspicious of this. I think he just wants to get his hours in.

I need to get someone to take a picture of me right now, because I AM HOT. ::cough:: Anyway.

I'm really bored right now...

Let's Piss People Off...

2005-11-02T14:18:00.000-07:00

Shall we? Yes lets.

AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE. AMBROSIA RENEE GAMBRELL IS A NASTY WHORE.

....that was kinda fun. I should do shit like this more often. It's so much fun pissing people off. :D By the way, AMBROSIA RENEE....try to do something to me if you have the guts to show up at the reunion. PLEASE try to do something. I'm INVITING you bitch.

Am I? Honestly?

2005-10-30T19:21:00.000-07:00

I never realized how much of a bitch I was....and now that I look back, I have been a BITCH. I feel that that word, for me, needs to be in large red letters. Seriously though...I mean, I know I can be kind of overbearing and jealous, and sometimes I act like a brat, but I never realized just how bad I've gotten. And it's only to ONE person...the person who least deserves to put up with my bitch fest. I feel really terrible right now...and unfortunatly he's busy so I can't talk to him. Craptastic, right?

The only thing I can really complain about with him is that he's so busy. But he's busy because he's trying to make money FOR ME...so that we can have a good time when he comes home. Oh, and something that he said to me in an email on Saturday: "Step back and take a look at our life together. If you decide it is really what you want then tell me. We can talk about a few things from there that should make our lifes easier. If you decide that being with me is not what you want please tell me as well. Im like you in that i dont like to be hinted at." This really bothered me. Have I been so horrible that he honestly thought that I didn't want to be with him anymore? Did I honestly get so horrible that he thought I was trying to give him the hint that I don't want him? I absolutely would never leave him...he is my life. My breath. My world. My existance...my love.

2005-10-28T14:31:00.000-07:00

Problem solved.

All About Cora This Time!

2005-10-27T13:08:00.000-07:00

*Everything Anyone Ever Wanted To Know About You*
The Basic Stuff
Name?:	Cora Maeve Towers
Age?:	16
Height?:	5'3
Weight?:	You don't need to know.
Birthday?:	May 8, 1989
Birthplace?:	Miami Valley Hospital
Current Location?:	The Frosty Side of Hell, Ohio
School/Grade?:	MVCTC, junior
Zodiac Sign?:	Taurus
Chinese Zodiac Sign?:	Cobra/Snake
Righty or Lefty?:	Lefty
Haircolor?:	Blonde
Eyecolor?:	Gray
Skin Color?:	Pale
About You
What's Your Family Situation (Parents, Siblings, etc)?:	I don't acknowledge family aside from Sis, Meg, and my new nephew.
Any Pets?:	A kitty here and two elsewhere
If So What Are They?:	Savannah here, and Leon and Squall at mom's
Favorite Relative?:	Sis
Least Favorite Relative?:	My actual family
What's Your Heritage/Race?:	Irish and German, possibly some polish.
Political Affilation?:	Democrat...I'm on the left, and I'm right.
Love & Sex
Sexuality?:	Bisexual
Are You In A Relationship Now?:	Yes
If So, With Whom?:	William Reese Edwards III
For How Long?:	One year, some odd days
Are You In Love?:	Absolutely
Do You Have A Crush On Anyone?:	Yes
Ever Had A Crush On Someone Of The Same Sex?:	Yes
How Old Were You When You Had Your First Kiss?:	11
Virgin?:	No
If Not, How Old Were You When You Had Sex For The First Time?:	13
Was It Enjoyable?:	No
What's The Farthest You've Ever Gone?:	>.> Sex
Where Do You Most Like To Be Kissed?:	Left palm (Bill knows why)
Best Love Quote?:	I love you
Your Friends
Best?:	Megan, Pam, and Krizpie
How Many Do You Have?:	7?
More Guys Or Girls?:	Girls
Love Them All?:	Most
Any You Wish You Were Closer To?:	Yes
Oldest?:	Torch I think
Newest?:	Lexi
Pen Pal?:	Sherry
Friends And Words: Associate Them
Pen:	pal
Flower:	power
Pink:	dreams
Window:	pane
Heart:	smart
Mother:	Megan
Bread:	toast
Insane:	TEEHEE
Sunglasses:	Bill
Pimp:	mommy (that's me, pimp mommy!)
Cross:	Jesus is my homeboy
Lonely:	Me
Car:	drive
Music:	life
This Or That
Boxers or Briefs?:	Boxers
Thongs or G-Strings?:	G string
Shorts or Pants?:	Pants
Shoes or Barefeet?:	Bare
Books or Movies?:	Books
Night or Day?:	Night
Dark or Light?:	Dark
Mountains or Beach?:	Beach
Snow or Sun?:	Sun
Pepsi or Coke?:	Pepsi
Guys or Girls?:	Guys
Swim or Surf?:	Swim
For or Against
Gay Marriage?:	For
Abortion?:	Against
Bush Getting Re-elected?:	Against
Suicide?:	Against
War?:	Against
Pants?:	For
Clothes In General?:	AGAINST
Penises?:	For
Favorites
Color?:	Green
Number?:	47
Holiday?:	Samhain
Season?:	Fall
Movie?:	Peter Pan (2003)
Book?:	Lots
Magazine?:	None, don't read magazines
Food?:	Hot dogs
Drink?:	Pepsi Vanilla
TV Show?:	Good Eats
Song?:	Sevendust - Trust
Band?:	Sevendust for now
Computer Game?:	None
Video Game?:	Kingdom Hearts or FF8
Anime/Manga?:	Gravitation
Shirt?:	The SCUBA shirt I stole from Bill
Pants?:	My "comfy" jeans
Actor?:	Antonio Banderas
Actress?:	None
Singer?:	Miyavi
Flower?:	Chrysanthemum
Scent?:	Vanilla...Bill
Animal?:	Lion
Cookie?:	Chocolate chocolate chip
The Future
Want To Go To College?:	Maybe for RN
What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?:	Medical assistant for now, possible maternity nurse
Want To Get Married?:	Yes
Want To Have Kids?:	Yes
What Would Their Names Be?:	Lee Alexander, Cathrine Elizabeth, and Micah Ciaran
How Many?:	3
Where Do You Want To Live?:	Phoenix AZ
Where Do You Want To Get Married?:	Somewhere cold and snowy
How Do You Want To Die?:	By being shot in the head or something at like 55
More Stuff About You
Piercings?:	5
Tattoos?:	None yet
Smoke?:	Yes
Drink?:	Occasionally
Do Drugs?:	No
Skinny Dip?:	I have! FINALLY!
Greatest Fear?:	Being alone
Chocolate or Vanilla?:	Chocolate
Go To Church?:	No
Religion?:	Wiccan
Scars?:	Manymany
CDs Owned?:	Manymany
Collections?:	None?
Like To Be Naked?:	Yes
Ever Eaten Sushi?:	Yes
An Entire Case Of Oreos?:	Yes
Been On Stage?:	Yes
Danced In The Rain?:	Yes
Kissed Someone Of The Same Sex?:	Yes
Weirdest Dream?:	Can't think of the WEIRDEST...
Best Dream?:	Dreaming of my future family
Saddest Dream?:	Dreaming of Bill's death ;-;
Dream You Most Wish Would Come True?:	See "best dream"
Think You're Attractive?:	Most of the time
Shoplifted?:	Once
Been Caught "Doing Something"?:	Yes
Weirdest Makeout Place?:	Uhhhmmm...sister's bed
Like Thunderstorms?:	Yes
Favorite Shoes?:	Goth boots
Favorite Quote?:	None
Best Advice Given?:	--
Worst Advice Given?:	--
Favorite Song Lyric?:	Just like the match you strike, you incenerate the lives of everyone you knew...
What Quote Says Most About Your Life?:	Life is like a tossed salad...BUT YOU DON'T EAT IT. You live it.
Glad This Is Over?:	Kinda. I had to do it THREE TIMES because my computer screwed up.
Take this survey Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d

YES IT WORKED THIS TIME. ::dances happily::

All about me

2005-10-26T16:13:00.000-07:00

i know i am inviting hell upon myself but here goes

[img]

*Everything Anyone Ever Wanted To Know About You*
The Basic Stuff
Name?:	Lee Xavior Towers
Age?:	19
Height?:	6'2"
Weight?:	165-175
Birthday?:	9-11-86
Birthplace?:	Not sure
Current Location?:	Dress REhersal for Hell
School/Grade?:	Not sure exactly
Zodiac Sign?:	Virgo
Chinese Zodiac Sign?:	Tiger
Righty or Lefty?:	not bad with both
Haircolor?:	Blonde at the moment
Eyecolor?:	depends on my moods
Skin Color?:	White
About You
What's Your Family Situation (Parents, Siblings, etc)?:	Engaged and Exiled
Any Pets?:	two
If So What Are They?:	Dogs
Favorite Relative?:	Brothers
Least Favorite Relative?:	Brothers
What's Your Heritage/Race?:	German/English
Political Affilation?:	Socialist
Love & Sex
Sexuality?:	Bi
Are You In A Relationship Now?:	yes
If So, With Whom?:	my fiancee`
For How Long?:	1 year 28 days
Are You In Love?:	Obviously
Do You Have A Crush On Anyone?:	nope
Ever Had A Crush On Someone Of The Same Sex?:	yep
How Old Were You When You Had Your First Kiss?:	9
Virgin?:	HA!
If Not, How Old Were You When You Had Sex For The First Time?:	13
Was It Enjoyable?:	Dont remember much
What's The Farthest You've Ever Gone?:	To the moon and back
Where Do You Most Like To Be Kissed?:	Neck
Best Love Quote?:	Nice shoes....wanna fuck?
Your Friends
Best?:	Shi
How Many Do You Have?:	Several
More Guys Or Girls?:	Girls
Love Them All?:	most
Any You Wish You Were Closer To?:	my sister Meg
Oldest?:	My sister Sara
Newest?:	Torch
Pen Pal?:	none
Friends And Words: Associate Them
Pen:	hen
Flower:	tower
Pink:	stink
Window:	Out the window (old boy scout song)
Heart:	beat
Mother:	power
Bread:	toast
Insane:	sister
Sunglasses:	happiness
Pimp:	kill
Cross:	Dumbass
Lonely:	Me
Car:	Teir
Music:	RAMMSTEIN
This Or That
Boxers or Briefs?:	Boxers
Thongs or G-Strings?:	Neither fit very well
Shorts or Pants?:	Pants
Shoes or Barefeet?:	Boots
Books or Movies?:	both
Night or Day?:	Night
Dark or Light?:	Dark
Mountains or Beach?:	Beach
Snow or Sun?:	Sun
Pepsi or Coke?:	Pepsi
Guys or Girls?:	Girls
Swim or Surf?:	Swim
For or Against
Gay Marriage?:	for
Abortion?:	for
Bush Getting Re-elected?:	for
Suicide?:	for
War?:	for
Pants?:	against
Clothes In General?:	against
Penises?:	i like mine
Favorites
Color?:	Cerulian blue
Number?:	27
Holiday?:	Samhain
Season?:	fall
Movie?:	Romeo and Juliet
Book?:	Ender's game
Magazine?:	NewType
Food?:	chicken
Drink?:	Vodka
TV Show?:	Iron Chef America
Song?:	Ashe zu Ashe
Band?:	Social Distortion
Computer Game?:	Diablo 2
Video Game?:	Ratchet and Clank or Armored Core
Anime/Manga?:	Robotech
Shirt?:	mine
Pants?:	also mine
Actor?:	none
Actress?:	none
Singer?:	Mike Ness
Flower?:	Orchid
Scent?:	Lavender
Animal?:	Lyger?
Cookie?:	Snickerdoodle
The Future
Want To Go To College?:	been there done that
What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?:	old
Want To Get Married?:	yep
Want To Have Kids?:	three or four
What Would Their Names Be?:	Lee Alexander, Catherine Elizabeth and Micah Carine (sp?)
How Many?:	3 or four
Where Do You Want To Live?:	some were warm
Where Do You Want To Get Married?:	The mountians
How Do You Want To Die?:	with my body broken, my clip empty, and my knife shattered
More Stuff About You
Piercings?:	soon to have my 20th
Tattoos?:	none till december
Smoke?:	not anymore
Drink?:	occasionally
Do Drugs?:	not anymore
Skinny Dip?:	know any good places?
Greatest Fear?:	HA!
Chocolate or Vanilla?:	neither
Go To Church?:	why what have you heard?
Religion?:	Wiccian/Druid
Scars?:	Many but only a few you can see
CDs Owned?:	a lot
Collections?:	Rammstein and Social D
Like To Be Naked?:	depends on who with
Ever Eaten Sushi?:	love it
An Entire Case Of Oreos?:	twice
Been On Stage?:	many times
Danced In The Rain?:	when ever i can
Kissed Someone Of The Same Sex?:	yep
Weirdest Dream?:	The eyes.....
Best Dream?:	Cora....hehehe
Saddest Dream?:	Allt he rest
Dream You Most Wish Would Come True?:	Living to see 28
Think You're Attractive?:	ocasionally
Shoplifted?:	yep
Been Caught "Doing Something"?:	yep
Weirdest Makeout Place?:	dont know
Like Thunderstorms?:	yep
Favorite Shoes?:	Docs
Favorite Quote?:	Avoid animal cruelty. Eat them while they're young-Me
Best Advice Given?:	Use a rubber.
Worst Advice Given?:	Go to the rave...just be careful.
Favorite Song Lyric?:	You can run all your life. But not go any were
What Quote Says Most About Your Life?:	You know the bible section called tribulations? That one
Glad This Is Over?:	gotta get back to work.
Take this survey Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d

[/img]

Heeheehee...

2005-10-25T16:44:00.000-07:00

So I just read some HILARIOUS conversations and I'm laughing soooo hard. XD

Anyway. I've been talking to this girl, Lexi, and she is freaking amazing. She seriously rocks my socks (not as mcuh as Bill! Don't worry baby!) and she's cute too. But she's not interested in having a girlfriend right now...soooo...I guess I get to stay utterly lonely until December after all.

I can't wait till Thursday. Thursday will ROCK. I got to go over to Meg's for a bit and see her and Daemon...very good thing.

And I'm done.

Wooo...

2005-10-22T08:54:00.000-07:00

Kay so....Meg's in labour right now and I'm kind of irritated because I won't be out there for at least another hour....She went into labour around 11 last night, someone FINALLY thought to call me at about 12:30, and then this morning they call me and they're like "She's still in labour, where are you?" I swear, it's time like this I can't wait to get my lisence...because then I wouldn't have to wait for someone to give me a ride. Not that I'm ungrateful, because if Pixy hadn't offered to pick me up I would get out there until like...4....but still. If I had my lisence I would have been there last night as soon as I had heard. ::growls:: I hate my life.

So anyway...I'm gonna take my dad's digital camera and take some pictures of the baby....when I get there, if he has finally decided to make his appearence. So maybe I'll have those for you guys later tonight or tomorrow or something...I'll keep y'all posted.

My Hump

2005-10-20T16:38:00.000-07:00

What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps. (Check it out)

I drive these brothers crazy,
I do it on the daily,
They treat me really nicely,
They buy me all these ice-ys.
Dolce & Gabbana,
Fendi and then Donna
Karan, they be sharin’
All their money got me wearin’
Fly gearrr but I ain’t askin,
They say they love my ass ‘n,
Se7en Jeans, True Religion,
I say no, but they keep givin’
So I keep on takin’
And no I ain’t taken
We can keep on datin’
I keep on demonstrating.

My love, my love, my love, my love
You love my lady lumps,
My hump, my hump, my hump,
My humps they got u,
She’s got me spending.
(Oh) Spendin’ all your money on me and spending time on me.
She’s got me spendin’.
(Oh) Spendin’ all your money on me, on me, on me

What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What u gon’ do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I’m a make, make, make, make you scream
Make u scream, make you scream.
Cos of my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps. (Check it out)

I met a girl down at the disco.
She said hey, hey, hey yea let’s go.
I could be your baby, you can be my honey
Lets spend time not money.
I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff,
Milky, milky cocoa,
Mix your milk with my cocoa puff, milky, milky riiiiiiight.

They say I’m really sexy,
The boys they wanna sex me.
They always standing next to me,
Always dancing next to me,
Tryin’ a feel my hump, hump.
Lookin’ at my lump, lump.
U can look but you can’t touch it,
If u touch it I’ma start some drama,
You don’t want no drama,
No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama
So don’t pull on my hand boy,
You ain’t my man, boy,
I’m just tryn’a dance boy,
And move my hump.

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My lovely lady lumps x3
In the back and in the front.
My lovin’ got u,
She’s got me spendin’.
(Oh) Spendin’ all your money on me and spending time on me.
She’s got me spendin’.
(Oh) Spendin’ all your money on me, on me, on me.

What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What you gon’ do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I’ma make, make, make, make you scream
Make you scream, make you scream.
What you gon do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off this hump.
What you gon’ do wit all that breast?
All that breast inside that shirt?
I’ma make, make, make, make you work
Make you work, work, make you work.
She’s got me spendin’.
Spendin all your money on me and spendin’ time on me
She’s got me spendin’.
Spendin’ all your money on me, on me, on me.

Spend your money on me. ::bats eyelashes::

For some reason I really like this song. It makes me giggle.

To my Baby: Ruhao, fro tet oui dyga tufh ouin pmuk? E gaab vunkaddehk du ycg frah E's uh dra bruha fedr oui...ec ed palyica uv Anel? E's zicd lineuic ruhao. E muja oui.

Creativity

2005-10-18T13:11:00.000-07:00

So, I got bored in lab today while I was waiting to start my HIPAA training. And I started scribbling words...and this is what happened.

what day is it
that i dont think of you
these thoughts of overwhelming joy
that fill me with today's sadness
what day is it
that i dont find myself
in tears because i dont know who i am
lost without your words
and ashamed to find the light
what day is it
that i find myself
home again in your arms
loved, warm, alive once more
for just today
what day is it?

Written for the obvious person. ::smiles:: Or rather, about. I guess it didn't help that I was sitting there counting out how many days before I get to POSSIBLY go to Arizona again. And it seems like it's eons away...and then what will I do if I don't get to go for thanksgiving? God, it'll suck...Can I just go ahead and curl up and die now?

Meow?

2005-10-17T18:08:00.000-07:00

MEOW.

I miss Bill really badly for some reason. Now that my emotions have returned, they have been hectic all day...::sigh::

Trying to get new pants on Gaia. >< Why does shit have to be so expensive...and why the hell does it take me forever to save up money? ::throws the remote:: DAMN YOU GAIA.

...

Anyway. I'm really bored. And I wanna talk to my man. Right now. >< ::stomp stomp::

For some reason today, I have just been dying to talk to him all day. Blaaaaaaah.

Okay. No more random blog entry.

::pout::

2005-10-16T13:20:00.000-07:00

Underappreciated

The Battleaxe

Deliberate Brutal Love Master (DBLMf)

Sharp. Hardened. Dominating. The Battleaxe sweeps all before her, smiting and what not.

You've had a number of serious relationships, so you obviously have many attractive qualities. You're well experienced in dealing with other people's weirdnesses, and it's likely you're good in bed by now, too. Also, like the drunken housewife chucking Heinekens at her no-good husband, you've got a lot of energy.

People can tell you're sophisticated, and so you find yourself the object of infatuations quite often. But it's how you handle yourself in your relationships that gets you the 'brutal' tag. Controlling? Imperious? Overbearing? Yes, please.

Remarkably, you don't mind the same from your men. You've experience enough to take whatever you dish out. Overall, you're a very good person and a capable lover, and when the time comes you'll make a fine divorcee.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Poolboy

CONSIDER: The False Messiah, someone just like you.

Your exact opposite:
The Nurse

Random Gentle Sex Dreamer

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

My profile name: harlequinndream

Emptiness

2005-10-16T10:18:00.000-07:00

For some reason, today, I feel really empty...I don't know why and it's bothering me as much as my emotions will let me. I guess you could say I feel very Squall-like...my emotions aren't working right. I wish I knew why...but then again...I don't particularly care to know.

I do know that I don't particularly want to go to school tomorrow. It's the last week of the quarter and things are either going to be incredibly boring, or incredibly hectic...and I'm not interested in participating in either. I really would like to just curl up under my blanket, with a cigarette, and watch television...even though nothing is on...

Eating...bleh...

What Was I Thinking

2005-10-10T18:09:00.000-07:00

Becky was a beauty from south Alabama
Her daddy had a heart like a nine-pound hammer
Think he even did a little time in the slammer
What was I thinkin

She snuck out one night and met me by the front gate
Her daddy came out wavin' that twelve gauge
We tore out the drive he peppered my tailgate
What was I thinkin

Oh, I knew there'd be Hell to pay
But that crossed my mind a little too late... 'cause I was

Thinkin bout a little white tank top sittin right
There in the middle by me
I was thinkin bout a long kiss man just gotta get
going where the night might lead
I know what I was feelin'
But what was I thinkin
What was I thinkin

By the county line the cops were nippin on our heals
Pulled off the road and kicked it in four-wheel
Shut off the lights and tore through a corn field
What was I thinkin

Out the other side she was hollerin faster
Took a dirt road had the radio blastin'
Hit the honky tonk for a little close dancin'
What was I thinkin
Oh I knew there'd be Hell to pay
But that crossed my mind a little too late... 'cause I was

Thinkin bout a little white tank top sittin right
There in the middle by me
I was thinkin bout a long kiss man just gotta get
going where the night might lead
I know what I was feelin'
But what was I thinkin
What was I thinkin

When a mountain of a man with a "born to kill" tattoo
tried to cut in I knocked out his front tooth
We ran outside hood slidin like Bo Duke
What was I thinkin

I finally got her home at a half past too late
Her daddy's in a lawn chair sittin on the driveway
Put it in park as he started my way
What was I thinkin, Oh what was I thinkin, Oh what was I thinkin
Then she gave a come-and-get-me grin
And like a bullet we were gone again...'cause I was

Thinkin bout a little white tank top sittin right
There in the middle by me
I was thinkin bout a long kiss man just gotta get
going where the night might lead
I know what I was feelin'
But what was I thinkin
What was I thinkin

This was one of the songs from the CD Bill made me for our anniversary...one of my favorite tracks...::sighs::

Today

2005-10-10T17:37:00.000-07:00

So today, i have managed to achieve much, and most of it I am not proud of.

Most of it = pissing Bill off royally to the point that I fear for my marriage.

I don't want to loose him. You all probably know that very well...I couldn't eat yesterday or all day today until my mom MADE me eat about half an hour ago. So I ate some pizza and now I feel like I'm gonna puke...I don't want to eat, nor sleep, nor breathe until my relationship is stable again. Then I will breathe. Then I will sleep. Then I will eat.

Until then, you all are going to have to MAKE ME.

(To Bill: Ykyeh, E's hud dnoehk du kiemd dneb oui. Drec ec sanamo so fyo uv taymehk fedr dra byeh: E yjuet risyh halaccydeac cu dryd so puto kuac hisp yht E tuh'd rind ymm ujan yhosuna. Palyica drah E fuh'd lno un rind.
E's cu vilgehk cunno...)

TRUST...by sevendust

2005-10-09T09:53:00.000-07:00

When I hold my head down to the ground
And I wish you were here with me
Seems like you're always around
I was blind to see
Too good to be true
you can't stay with me
I wish she was all I need
And it's getting late. and it's cold outside
So cold. so cold

(TRUST)

I've wronged you
And steal everything from the truth
Could we find ourselves
walking through
A field with no solitude
The pain goes on

Insensitive to all your needs
Did you ever want to stay with me
Never try to put you down
And I never want to see you leave
I still can't believe you're going to leave
I wish she was all I needed
It's getting late and it's cold outside
So cold, so cold(TRUST)

Love this song... Yes, ladies and lads, Cora has been listening to REAL music again!!! Don't ask me why, but randomly I've gone from listening to my easy stuff to listening to all this metally-ish-ness again...I likes it...::snickersnickercackle...evil laugh::

Anyway...I'm going out with Leona today. And I might be able to get my sexy self a margarita depending on how much money her dude has...WHICH ROCKS. Much love to my margaritas. She's supposed to come get me in like an hour...shibby...and so right now I'm bored. I'm all dressed and shit already so I'm just kind of waiting...tried to wake stinky ass up but he must have his phone on silent or he's dead to the world...whatever...

LISTEN TO THE SONG, YOU WHORE.

Fast Cars And Freedom

2005-10-07T16:02:00.000-07:00

Staring at you taking off your makeup
Wondering why you even put it on
I know you think you do, but baby, you don't need it
Wish that you could see what I see when it's gone

Chorus:
I see a dust trail following an old red Nova
Baby blue eyes and your head on my shoulder
Wait, baby don't move, right there it is
A T-shirt hanging off a dogwood branch
That river was cold but we gave love a chance
Yeah To me
You don't look a day over fast cars and freedom
That sunset, riverbank, first time feeling

Yeah, smile and shake your head as if you don't believe me
I'll just sit right here and let you take me back
I'm on that gravel road, (look at me)
On my way to pick you up you're standing on the front porch
Looking just like that (remember that)

Chorus:
I see a dust trail following an old red Nova
Baby blue eyes and your head on my shoulder
Wait, baby don't move, right there it is
A T-shirt hanging off a dogwood branch
That river was cold but we gave love a chance
Yeah To me
You don't look a day over fast cars and freedom
That sunset, riverbank, first time feeling

This song, for some reason, makes me cry. Maybe it's because it reminds me of how Bill always shakes his head when I oput on make up, and tells me I look amazing without it...

...anyway...

So it's the weekend, and it's two and a half days that I get to be incredibly bored. I now have SOMETHING (kind of) that takes up some of my time [I joined the Syndicate, and once people notice it's back I'll have plenty of fun...ish.]. I might be hanging out with Leona and/or Pam this weekend too. Hm...I can't wait to sleep into tomorrow though. It'll be soooo nice. Esspecially since I've been getting to sleep around 11:30 every night adn waking up at 6 AM every morning...it's been effecting me so bad that I've been loosing my train of thought at the sight of anything shiny and moving. ::sigh:: I hate when I actually act like a blonde and there's nothing I can do about it.

Anyway...I forgot what I was actually going to write about because I got up and got a frozen dinner, but if I remember, I'll let you know.

Au Revior.

Sneak Peek

2005-10-05T14:00:00.000-07:00

Because I love you all, I'm giving those of you who read a sneak peek of the next chapter in "Even Kittens Can Cry". Some of you may be a bit upset with me though, because I jumped ahead a bit...but I'm sorry! I couldn't think of how to get things rolling at that point in the story...::cowers::

A/N: I’m skipping ahead a couple months….you see, I base the entire story around things that happen in my life, and I’ve been with “Lee” for over a year now…so it’s hard to think about how to act if we were just starting out. So here we go.

3 Months Later

I stood in front of my vanity, eyeing myself in the old mirror and trying to figure out exactly why I was not happy with the way I looked. My hair was back to normal, my make up was flawless, my new dress looked fantastic…but something was missing. I stepped back a bit and tried pulling up my hair. It didn’t look any better. I adjusted the low neckline of my dress, making sure for the umpteenth time that my bra wasn’t showing. Still didn’t look right. I glared at myself, stuck out my tongue at my reflection, and then flipped myself off.

I hate trying to get ready for a date.

Lee was supposed to be picking me up in fifteen minutes, and I was completely ready except for the fact that I wasn’t satisfied with the way I looked. I didn’t understand why either, because I was looking better than I had been in a while. I turned to the left, then the right. Nothing…I stomped my feet in irritation.

“Moooooooom!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. My mother peeked her head around my door as if she had been waiting for me. She looked me up and down for a moment, and then smiled.

“Yes, sweetie?”

I just glared at her and crossed my arms over my chest. I could feel the pout coming on.

My mother, goddess bless her, walked straight up to me and turned me back to my mirror. She then walked to my jewelry box, got something, and came back to me. And then, she fastened on the thing that had apparently been missing in my mind: the sterling silver Celtic knot necklace that Lee had bought for me a week after we started dating. And suddenly I looked perfect.

Just as I was turning to hug and thank her, the doorbell rang. I grinned and bolted, barely hearing my mom say, “You’re welcome!” sarcastically.

Standing just inside the door of my parents’ house was Lee, dressed in dark slacks, dress shoes I could see myself in, and a jade green dress shirt that made his eyes glow. I threw my arms around him with a squeak, and he wrapped his arms tightly around my waist.

“Evening, beautiful,” he said into my ear. “Ready for dinner?”

They say don't trust
You, me, we, us
So we'll walk, we must
You, me and it's all about, it's all about

It's all about us, all about us
It's all about, all about us
All about us
There's a theme that they can't touch cause you know (us)
It's all about us, all about us
It's all about, all about us
All about us
We'll run away if we must don't ya know
It's all about us (it's all about us)
It's all about us (it's all about us)
(And no one can touch, it's all about us, it's all about us)

If they hurt you
They hurt me too
So we'll rise up
Won't stop and it's all about, it's all about

It's all about us, all about us
It's all about, all about us
All about us
There's a theme that they can't touch cause you know (us)
It's all about us, all about us
It's all about, all about us
All about us
We'll run away if we must don't ya know (us)
It's all about us (it's all about us)
It's all about us (it's all about us)
(And no one can touch, it's all about us, it's all about us)

They don't know
They can't see
Who we are
Fear is the enemy
Hold on tight
Hold onto me
Cause tonight

It's all about us
It's all about, all about us
There's a theme that they can't touch cause you know (us)
It's all about us, all about us
It's all about, all about us
All about us
There's a theme that they can't touch cause you know (us)
It's all about us, all about us
It's all about, all about us
All about us
We'll run away if we must don't ya know
It's all about us (it's all about us)
It's all about us (it's all about us)
(And no one can touch, it's all about us)

Just making sure everyone remembers who the important ones are here. I know that more and more often I have to remind myself of this and that the idiots around me can't hurt me...Oh, and I think I'm gonna change my theme again...to tATu so that I can put this song up.

Yaaay!

2005-10-04T13:04:00.000-07:00

I FINALLY got my new laptop! And it's so much nicer than the old one...It's not all scratched up and stuff. And it doesn't shut down when I move it.

:D

Happy Corakins.

PS: To Shilo and my love: I can't believe you two are asking me if Bill can get a tattoo when BOTH of you know that I won't let him until we can get them together. I'm disappointed in you both...Not so much Bill as Shilo. Bill: I just can't believe you asked at all. Shilo: Just no.

Almost home

2005-10-01T07:03:00.000-07:00

Hey baby. Mexico is great but it would be so much better with you here. Some of the things i have seen and the beauty of just about everything ((except the food)) has been awsome.

Im glad you got you presant. Sorry it was s0 late. i promise the next gift you get ((at xmas)) will be infinatly better. I love you forvere and always my lioness. I will be homw soon.

2005-09-30T13:49:00.000-07:00

All that you stalker folks need to know is that I got my anniversary gift, and I am so happy I started crying...so my anniversary didn't suck as much as it originally did.

...and I'm not posting again UNTIL MY BABY GETS HOME. ::protest::

A very good day

2005-09-28T09:21:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentalmen i am pleased to announce that today (9-28-05) is Cora and I's first anniversary. Yes that right 1 whole year. Impressed? Just wait. There is more to come. Much more to come.

To Cora: happy anniversary baby, You should be getting a little something by the time you get home day after tomarrow. I love you my lioness. Always and forever

"That'd Be Nice"

2005-09-27T15:28:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I've been really depressed since I got home...been thinking about children for some reason. I dont know how it got into my head again, but it's starting to kill me slowly. I miss the child I had for those few weeks, and I want another...badly. It'd be great if it came to term, too.
I guess I just really feel like I need some kind of connection to reality, because right now...I'm not feeling it. I'm just going through the routine of my life, and it sucks...a lot...

Replies and Rants

2005-09-26T12:53:00.000-07:00

~Shi~ said...
I know you hate D&D, but it's really funny....he's really funny. He acts as if he's like 13 again. It is his one release from the hum-drum, bitchy people he has to put up with all week. Plus where else can you go, watch people get stoned out of their minds, have your scull crushed by a un-dead skeleton and then be re-grown from your big toe?

I don't care if he's really funny. I don't care if he gets to act like he's 13 again. He's 19, he doesn't need to...and you should NOT have reminded me about people getting high. I think I'm going to seriously ask him to stop, for that reason. I don't want him around that shit...as my husband and a future father, I don't want him anywhere near it. He can find something else to have fun with that doesn't include drugs.

jade said...
as for your post try geting him to talk about his D&D with you and you might start to see why he likes it so much. plus it will became some thing you share so you wont feel like it is takeing so much time from you. but i have a favor to ask you. how do you do the back ground things i am working at it but i am missing something big where do you get your back grounds at? please tell me.

I have talked to him about it. No matter what he says, I think it's the dumbest thing in the world, and there isn't much that could change my mind.
And if you want a new layout, I'm sorry, but I would have to make it myself. I don't share secrets.

....SN@P took my laptop to fix it. I'm pissed. It worked FINE last night, and now it won't even fucking turn on. I'm supposed to get it back tomorrow, but they'll have wiped the drive, and I'll have to redo EVERYTHING...fucking bitch.

In A Name

2005-09-25T14:06:00.000-07:00

Cora
Maiden : Greek

You have leadership ability and with your power of expression can be an influential speaker. Organisation or management would suit you. Your energy, intellect and creativity overcome any challenging situations and assure your future success. Certainly with your emotions under control there is nothing which you cannot achieve. Your faith and vitality means that love and prosperity are naturally attracted to you.

PS: I hate Dungeons and Dragons. It is the dumbest thing EVER. I really wish Bill hadn't gotten into it, because it takes up 4-6 hours every Sunday of time that used to be mine. >< ::growls::

When September Ends

2005-09-24T17:23:00.000-07:00

...I still can't listen to this song. I either get upset about Bill going into the military, or I am reminded of the baby.

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my fathers come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Ring out the bells again
Like we did when spring began
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my father's come to pass
Twenty years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends

It's All About Us

2005-09-21T01:47:00.000-07:00

It's all about me and Bill. Nothing and no one can hurt me. I'll live on through thick and thin. Nothing can blow me over, nothing can stop me, nothing can hurt me as long as I have him.

I think I needed to be reminded of that today.

I'm Awake but my world is half asleep...

2005-09-16T17:09:00.000-07:00

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can’t find no rest
Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It’s written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I've tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go
I don’t wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete
Incomplete

Cora (9/16/2005 4:52:23 PM): Make sure he doesn't try to drink or anything
Shishi (9/16/2005 4:53:04 PM): i won't. he's a good boy
Cora (9/16/2005 4:53:54 PM): Yeah but when he goes nuts...sometimes...yeah. I just don't want my lion getting sick or anything, or drinking after drinking. Or cheating on me, since he keeps saying he feels like our relationship is slipping
Shishi (9/16/2005 4:55:11 PM): i would never let that happen, the cheating thing. as for drinking, he rarely ever drinks. once or twice he has had a sip of my drink
Shishi (9/16/2005 4:55:23 PM): he doesn't do stuff like that any more
Cora (9/16/2005 4:55:27 PM): Yeah, and he's not allowed even a zip
Shishi (9/16/2005 4:55:28 PM): nor does he want to
Cora (9/16/2005 4:55:35 PM): sip^S
Shishi (9/16/2005 4:56:16 PM): ok
Shishi (9/16/2005 4:56:39 PM): but i also want you to know that that night in the pool never happened before
Cora (9/16/2005 4:56:44 PM): I know
Cora (9/16/2005 4:56:49 PM): I have no doubt
Shishi (9/16/2005 4:56:51 PM): i had never seen him drink like that before
Cora (9/16/2005 4:56:59 PM): Yes, he was very upset
Shishi (9/16/2005 4:57:31 PM): i don't know if that's what you're worried about, but if it is, be assured that it will not happen again
Cora (9/16/2005 4:59:58 PM): No, I'm worried about him finding someone else and leaving because like I said...he feels like the relationship is slipping
Shishi (9/16/2005 5:00:42 PM): no, he fears that he might loose you
Shishi (9/16/2005 5:00:54 PM): and if that were to happen it would crush him
Shishi (9/16/2005 5:01:08 PM): he would never leave you
Shishi (9/16/2005 5:01:24 PM): NEVER
Cora (9/16/2005 5:01:35 PM): He phrased it to me as "he feels our relationship is falling apart because of the distance"
Shishi (9/16/2005 5:01:42 PM): he has told me this in these exact words
Cora (9/16/2005 5:01:53 PM): And this started right after ugly fucking bitch texted him
Shishi (9/16/2005 5:02:23 PM): no, i know better
Shishi (9/16/2005 5:02:34 PM): i see and hear him on the phone with you
Cora (9/16/2005 5:02:41 PM): Yeah but....still
Shishi (9/16/2005 5:02:44 PM): he misses you too much
Cora (9/16/2005 5:02:47 PM): That's why I got so pissed
Shishi (9/16/2005 5:02:50 PM): he is scared
Cora (9/16/2005 5:03:23 PM): He doesn't need to be
Cora (9/16/2005 5:03:25 PM): I'm scared
Shishi (9/16/2005 5:03:26 PM): he's scared that being away from you will deystroy you two inside
Cora (9/16/2005 5:03:29 PM): I have an excuse
Shishi (9/16/2005 5:03:39 PM): no you don't
Shishi (9/16/2005 5:03:50 PM): he would never betray you
Cora (9/16/2005 5:03:57 PM): I dont know that
Shishi (9/16/2005 5:04:07 PM): and believe me he has had the chance
Cora (9/16/2005 5:04:08 PM): I mean...
Cora (9/16/2005 5:04:10 PM): Nevermind
Cora (9/16/2005 5:04:14 PM): Drop it
Shishi (9/16/2005 5:04:23 PM): no, what
Cora (9/16/2005 5:04:34 PM): No, I'm dropping it
Cora (9/16/2005 5:04:46 PM): And you are gonna drop it too
Cora (9/16/2005 5:04:52 PM): I'm on the phone with him so oh well
Shishi (9/16/2005 5:05:20 PM): ok, just know that he love you more that life itself
Shishi (9/16/2005 5:05:26 PM): and that won't change
Cora (9/16/2005 5:05:28 PM): Yeah....I'm gonna go
Shishi (9/16/2005 5:05:37 PM): ok sweetie
Shishi (9/16/2005 5:05:42 PM): take care

I'm scared and I feel stupid. Everything...feels kind of like it's crashing down around me, and I'm scared to death. I love Bill with everything I have...even everything I don't have. And I'm just so afraid that ugly fucking bitch is going to try and get him back again, and I'm afriad,...he might go back, just because she's there and I'm not.

Goddess...I don't want to loose my life.

Don't Cha?

2005-09-15T16:07:00.000-07:00

I know you like me (I know you like me)
I know you do (I know you do)
Thats why whenever I come around shes all over you
And I know you want it (I know you want it)
It's easy to see (it's easy to see)
And in the back of your mind
I know you should be on with me

Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Dont cha, dont cha
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me
Dont cha, dont cha

Fight the feeling (fight the feeling)
Leave it alone (leave it alone)
Cause if it aint love
It just aint enough to leave a happy home
Let's keep it friendly (let's keep it friendly)
You have to play fair (you have to play fair)
See, I dont care
But I know she aint gon wanna share
Hmmmm....

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Don't cha, don't cha, baby
Don't cha, alright, sing
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me (big thrills)
Don't cha

See, I know she loves you (I know she loves you)
I understand (I understand)
I'd probably be just as crazy about you
If you were my own man
Maybe next lifetime (maybe next lifetime)
Possibly (possibly)
Until then, Oh friend you're secret is safe with me

Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me (oh)
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me (like me)
Dont cha, dont cha, baby
Dont cha, alright, sing
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me (raw)
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me (big thrills)
Dont cha, dont cha

This song always reminds me of the way things were when I was "with" Eric but dying to be with Bill...I always wanted to say something along the lines of "Don't you wish Amber was as sexy, as kinky, as amazing as me?" But I said nothing, and I endured.

::chuckles:: Got him now, and I think he's pretty satisfied.

Memo

2005-09-14T13:44:00.000-07:00

I have a message for someone who is rearing her nasty head again.

Amber: Go away. Shilo does not want to talk to you. Bill does not want to talk to you. None of us want to hear from you...period. Zip. Nothing. Quit leaving messages on Shi's blog, quit texting him, and just GO AWAY. Just go. None of us want you to fuck up our lives anymore.

And you were SO not pregnant. Who do you think the father is, idiot? Do you think you could have gotten pregnant by Bill? Listen, sweetheart...just stop. Just go away and stop. Before something bad happens to you.

All The News You Need

2005-09-11T16:33:00.000-07:00

I called my doctor and told her about everything. She had the Urgent Care fax her the actual results, and she said that it looked to her like I had been pregnant, but because of my birth control whne the child was about two, maybe three, weeks along it was aborted. So I guess according to most people I never had a baby...but in my mind, and Lee's mind, our child died.

So in other news...I'm starting to feel like myself again. I get my laptop tomorrow at school, and hopefully my uniform too because I'm tired of dressing up. And I have a feeling I'm going to be getting lots of hugs tomorrow from my friends...a lot of people knew about my bundle of joy.

Bill wants me to come out there during Turkey break. To go on a road trip to California with Torch and Sis. Wonder if my mom would let me...If not, I want him to come out here. I don't know if I could last until December...Esspecially since we would have no time to ourselves then.

So now I'm sitting here talking to Pam...I'm really bored. I wonder when Bill is going to call back? It's his birthday today, so after dinner with his dad and Karen they were gonna see a movie...hmmm...that was 5:30, so I guess that's not bad. Time just seems like it's going sooo slow. Blah.

...not much else to say.

---------------

I have been sitting here, going through old journal entries...and other people's old entries...and it's so funny how some people are just so stupid that they never realize things that are right in front of them. ::chuckles softly:: I'm not going to name names, but some people...just crack me up with how naive and idiotic they can be. (Can you tell I'm in a better mood now?)

...that's all I needed to say. Tah, lovelies.

...

2005-09-11T07:11:00.000-07:00

...miscarried...

...dying...

Mommy says...

2005-09-07T17:07:00.000-07:00

Pregnant?...

Don't know. Don't have money for test. Shite. $pls?

Everyone I know who's ever been pregnant says I am. ><

Heartburn from possible baby = hell

Let's Learn About Cora

2005-09-05T11:43:00.000-07:00

Questions Questions Questions…

x = yes
- = kinda or not sure

[ ] I am bisexual or homosexual.
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[x] I've run away from home.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I listen to political music.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[x] I open up to others easily.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[ ] I watch the news.
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[ ] I own an iPod or MP3
[x] I own something from Hot Topic.
[x] I like Disney Movies.
[x] I am a sucker for hair/eyes
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[-] I curse regularly.
[x] I paid for that cell phone ring.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation.
[ ] I love Spam.
[x] I bake well.
[x] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.
[ ] I have a job.
[ ] I love Martha Stewart.
[x] I am in love with love
[x] I like to laugh.
[-(used to)] I smoke a pack a day.
[ ] I loved Perks of Being a Wallflower.
[ ] I loved Go Ask Alice.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I've been out of this country.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I see a therapist.
[x] I love chocolate.
[ ] I bite my nails.
[x] I am comfortable with being me.
[x] I play video games.

[x] Gotten lost in my city.
[x] Saw a shooting star
[ ] Had a serious Surgery
[x] Gone out in public in your pajamas
[x] I have Kissed a Stranger
[x] Hugged a stranger
[x] Been in a fist fight
[ ] Been arrested
[x] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[x] Made out in an elevator
[x] Swore at your parents
[ ] Kicked a guy where it hurts
[x] Been close to love
[ ] Been to a casino
[ ] Been skydiving
[ ] Broken a bone
[x] Skipped school
[x] Flashed someone
[x] Saw a therapist
[x] Played spin the bottle
[ ] Gotten stitches
[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
[x] bitten somebody
[ ] Been to Niagara Falls
[x] Gotten the chicken pox
[x(walking XD)] Crashed into a friend's car
[ ] Been to Japan
[x] Ridden in a taxi
[x] Shoplifted
[ ] Been fired
[x] Ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
[x] Had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
[ ] Stole something from your job
[ ] Gone on a blind date
[x] Lied to a friend
[ ] Had a crush on a teacher
[ ] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans
[ ] Been to Europe

[ ] Slept with a co-worker
[ ] Been married
[ ] Gotten divorced
[ ] Had children
[ ] Saw someone dying
[ ] Been to Africa
[x] Driven over 400 miles in one day
[ ] Been to Canada
[ ] Been to Mexico
[x] Been on a plane
[x] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
[ ] Thrown up in a bar
[x] Eaten Sushi
[ ] Been snowboarding
[ ] Been Skiing
[x] Met someone in person from the internet
[ ] Been to a motor cross show
[ ] Lost a child
[ ] Gone to college
[ ] Dropped out of high school/college
[ ] Done hard drugs
[x] Taken painkillers
[x] Had someone cheat on you
[x] Miss someone right now

Stolen from Krizpie

Full name: Christina Marie Green

Code name: Cora

Nicknames: Cora, Lien, Chris, Tina (yuck), bitch, lil'sis, beautiful, "georgeous" (Loooong story)

Birthday: May 8, 1989

How old do you look: 18-21

Glasses/contacts: glasses that I never wear

Braces: Needed.

Eye color: Grey-blue, color changes with mood.

Hair color: Blonde

Tattoos: Wanna get one ;-;

Piercings: Ears, cartlidge, eyebrow, bellybutton

Siblings: younger brother & two sisters

Pets: one cat at dad's, two cats at mom's

FAVORITE...

Band: Flogging Molly, Green Day, blink 182 (I don't just have one...)

Song: Here's Your Letter - b182

Food: Bill ::evil cackle::

Movie: Right now, Dukes of Hazzard (Can I get a yeehaw?)

Color: Green

Actor/actress: Antonio Banderas/Kirstie Ally

Sport/extreme sport: Sex. Wait, that's not a sport...><><) Heartthrob: Take a guess. Time you talked to your mom: A few days ago. Compact disk listened to: Evanescense Compact disk bought: Hmmm...None lately but I need to go buy Bill's christmas presents... FOR OR AGAINST... Gay relationships: for Long distance relationships: For, obviously Online dating: For Explicit lyrics: Don't care For Suicide: AGAINST Killing people: WOOHOOFOR! Using someone: Against DO YOU... Have a crush on someone: No. Think about suicide: No. Hate yourself: Sometimes. Wish you could live somewhere else: Absolutely Stand out: Sometimes. Write in cursive or print: a mix of both Skateboard: ;-; I always fall on my arse Snowboard: Never Surf: Nope Want more tattoos: since I don't have any yeah HAVE YOU... Ever cried over a friend: Yes… Ever cried over a girl: Yes Ever cried at a chick flick: No Ever lied to someone: Yeah Ever broke a compact disk: Yeah, I broke Eric's copy of Social D....on purpose...>D

WHAT...

Shampoo do you use: Dandruff stuff

Toothpaste do you use: Crest Vivid White

Shoes do you wear: sneakers.

Do you want to be when you grow up: a housewife (And Bill's gonna try to let me be one ^^)

Makes you happy: Bill, my kitties, chocolate, and good music

Makes you sad: Being alone, bad dreams, BILL NOT ANSWERING ME....

NUMBER...

Of times you had your heart broken: too many

Of times you have been in love: Three

Of times you had your name in the paper: twice

Of things you wear on your wrists: nothing

Of belts you have: lots...

PERSON WHO LAST...

Made you cry: Bill

Saw you cry: Bill (I wonder if he remembers?)

Went to the movies with: ...Marcia. (Almost said Bill but then I remembered. ^^;;;)

Sent you an email: Aaahhh...Amy

Yelled at you: Dad because he is an asshole

THIS OR THAT...

Apples or bananas: Bananas

Red or blue: Blue

Walmart or target: Either

Halloween or Christmas: Halloween (CANDY CANDY CANDY!!!!!)

Mouse or rat: Mouse

Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter: HP

Care Bears or Telletubbies: care Bears

Black or white: White

HAVE YOU EVER...

Said you loved someone and meant it: Every night

Gone out in public in your pajamas: Yup

Been on stage: Yes

Been to New York: Nope

Been to Hawaii: Nooo...

California: YES

China: No

Alaska: No

England: No

India: No

Canada: Niagra Falls

Mexico: No

Brazil: No

Wished you were older: Yes, because then I could marry Bill and then go live with him and NO ONE COULD TELL ME NO...

FRIENDSHIPS & LOVE...

Believe in love at first sight: Yes

Want children: I want 3

Most important thing in a relationship: Love, trust, and loyalty....oh and the ability to talk things out

Best friend: Krizpie and Mitsu

Longest relationship: Houston, sadly. But Bill's getting close. ::smile::

FINISH THE SENTENCE:

I miss: Bill

I wish: I wasn't in this god damn exile

I am: emotionally hurting

My style is: comfy

People describe me as: cute, caring, "motherly"

I am tired of: being here...alone...

I want to be: in AZ with my baby

I will always be: his wify.

...feeling sick yet? Well there. Now those of you who always wondered about all that random junk know now.

Meh...

2005-09-03T12:37:00.000-07:00

Guess I feel better now. I guess...Bill and I talked about it last night. We've both been feeling that way. We don't know what it is, but whatever it is...I'm going to fight it with all I have in me, because I refuse to loose my husband now. Not after only a year. Not after I had to wait so long.

Mrrr...

2005-09-02T17:50:00.000-07:00

I think I'm getting sick. I've been sleeping CONSTANTLY if I'm not in school or talking to B. >< God damnit it.

But yeh...I've been okay since last update....each day kind of gets better, I guess. We're getting more into the swing of things and my lab teacher treats us more like mature adults now. The only thing I really have to complain about right now is the fact that B and I haven't talked much this week...he's been pissed at his dad too, so we SHOULD be talking, but when he calls he always wakes me up, so I sound tired and he makes me go back to sleep, even if I'm wide awake and I WANT to talk to him...it kind of makes me mad, but I'll be okay.

And when I talked to him about ten minutes ago, I couldn't...feel him...you know? Well, okay, let me put it this way: he didn't seem as loving as usual...that's probably just me being stupid but...I dunno...everything scares me right now.

Well, I'm gonna get off here...no point in writing anything else...

Something?

2005-08-31T13:09:00.000-07:00

I had something of a better day today....lab still bites arse but I don't think it'll get any better. Asdie from that though, everything was cool. Leona is bringing me a picture of baby Ethan tomorrow, which is wicked...I bet he's adorable. Aaaand...lets see...uhmmm...Krizpie burnt her tongue on the coffee I bought her, which was hilarious because she kept drinking it anyway...aaaand...English was kind of boring, Anatomy was funny because we watched this movie on the human body and all the other girls were freaking out...aaand...DMM was boring as usual, but we got to talk for a bit which was nice...Math was boring, but I just jabbered the whole time, so it wasn't bad...made a new friend in math, she reminds me of Bob (that is, Cassy)...bus ride home was amusing because Marcia was fighting with Doug via cell phone, and we were making fun of him...I sat with Tyler...he's pretty cool. I finally got rid of the moron who kept flirting with me, so that made my day like a million times better. Aaaaand....what else...well, that's pretty much been my day, actually. I got home about half an hour ago and talked to Bill for a few minutes...and that's been it...I'm gonna go sleepies now. Byyeeeee

Feel Good Inc

2005-08-29T17:01:00.000-07:00

Yeah...I feel really crappy right now, so if this seems depressed...get over it.

So today I came home from an extremely long day of school and crashed. Just totally DIED. But Mom called around 6 and took me to the mall to get my honey's birthday present, so sleeping only last about an hour and a half. But I did get Bill's present, and it doesn't look bad. You can only see the engraving in a certain light but...it's pretty cool anyway. It's a blue dogtag with a picture of us, by the way, and it says 'Lee and Cora' under the picture. For $27 it's not so bad.

So then I came home and had to pee really bad, and while I was in the bathroom Today's Bride called and offered us a vacation package. But I asked to just be put on the next list, A) because we would have to pay for our own airfare and B) because they wanted us, both of us, to come to this semenar thing about like...cookware I think she said...and he's not, you know, AVAILABLE. So maybe next time. Cancun would be nice.

So now here I am...bored as fuck and getting depressed. I really miss B. It's starting to hurt again...I really hate that he lives out there. I seriously can't wait until after the wedding, and then I can move in with him and I'll get to see him everyday...wake up beside him...fall asleep in his arms, which is the most relaxing place in the world. I could really do with having his arms around me right now.

Please, please, PLEASE god let him be able to come home in October...oh please...

Yee-haw!

2005-08-27T17:09:00.000-07:00

Yup.

School is tiring...I slept 11 hours last night and was still exhausted today. ><

Don't really feel like updating right now...maybe later...

my prayer

2005-08-27T00:31:00.000-07:00

So muja e sicd vencd damm oui e ys cunno. Es cu icat du paehk ymuha dryd ed uhmo ullinc du sa ruf jymiypma oui yna yc lusvund yht cymyjdeuh yvdan dra vyld. E ryja bnusecat oui dryd e femm tu paddan eh dra vidina. E muja oui. *byms gecc* Ymfyoc yht vunajan.

Sorry!!!

2005-08-26T14:28:00.000-07:00

Sorry about turning on the word verification in my comment,s but I have seen all the spamming going on, and have been spammed (but I deleted it)...so please, just do it for me, okay? Yeah, you guys love me.

Anyway, school's still boring. I'm still waiting for some actual work, actually. Sadly, I miss having homework. It gave me something to do.

Uhmmm...not much else to say...oh!

To my B: Ugyo, huf E's geht uv ibcad, yvdan E'ja cyd rana yht cdafat vun y frema...fryd syta oui drehg ed fuimt pa ugyo du lid ouincamv, ruhao? E sayh caneuicmo...Oui GHUF dryd E tuh'd fyhd oui tuehk drehkc mega dryd. E's rana vun y pmuuto naycuh. E's hud zicd yns lyhto, E's hud zicd y dnubro feva. E's rana du pa ouin lusvund yht cdnahkdr frah oui tuh'd ryja ed. Cu bmayca, BMAYCA...E's pakkehk oui...cdynd lusehk du sa fedr ouin bnupmasc ehcdayt uv zicd dygehk dras uid drnuikr y gheva. BMAYCA.

...kay I'm done for now.

::rolls around on the floor out of boredom::

2005-08-24T17:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm in a writing mood, but what to write? Well first, here's this:

Kriegmacher: I must ask, is this Endy or Julian? That way i know how to react accordingly.

...and then...uhm...well, fuck.

I'm so flipping tired right now I don't know what to do with myself. And I'm not typing that great, either, so if something is wrong or misspelled and I don't notice it for once, please, forgive me this one time. But yes...life is slipping into the humdrum again. Wake up, go to school, come home, take a short nap, get online for a bit, talk to B, sleep, rinse, repeat. Mom was supposed to take me shopping for some more school stuff today, but that didn't happen...so tomorrow, I guess...School didn't suck so much today though. I slept a little more than I have been, and B sent me an encouraging message, and my mood improved enough to make my day not so craptastic. We played a "game" in Anatomy today...using some chemicals and a solution we pretended that someone had HIV in the class...so we had the option of mixing our little cup of chemicals with other people or not and then used the solution to figure out who had it. Then we tried to figure out who the original carrier was. It was interesting...I was "HIV positive".
And then when we were waiting for our transfer bus, me and Mimi got the munchies and walked over to the little quik-e-mart place...and I got flirted with by two guys that ride my bus, or at least I think they were flirting. They both knew me before I moved and back then no one liked me, but now that I'm back to being confident and entertaining guys are starting to notice me...a wee bit late, aren't they? Anyway, I let Tyler (one of the flirters) have on of my Reese cups because I didn't need the fat...and then we rode the transfer bus home and me and Mimi hung out in my basement for a bit while she did her homework and I fixed up my picture frame that has one of my pictures of me and B in it...so I can put it on my temporary CPU desk while I'm working. Radness.
And then we walked to DD's and I got a Stewart's Cherry Soda and was happy...and then I walked home by myself (fun fun) and now here I am...woohoo.
My days are so fun filled...really...
So shopping comes tomorrow. Yayness. Maybe Robin will take me to get some clothes oo. But then again once I get my scrubs it won't matter....hmmm....

...I want scrubs. Can you say new PJ's? Hell yeah.
[/end madness]
[reboot?]
[y] [n]

....don't ask where the hell that came from.

::yaaaaaaaaaaaawn::

2005-08-23T16:41:00.000-07:00

First of all, everyone needs to go down to the next post and read the song that Mr. Romantic wrote for me.

Secondly...school...is boring as crap.
I start my days with lab, okay? Three hours sitting and staring at a computer....something I'm used to, but...keyboarding is dumb. Esspecially since on the program we use, if you make a typo it doesn't let you backspace...and I'm the QUEEN of typo. So I was a wee bit frustrated by that. That and the fact that there aren't enough CPUs for everyone and so for the majority of class I didnt have a desk or CPU. ::fizz::
So after lab is lunch...lunch isn't so bad, I'm with Krizpie and Donut...and then English. English isn't bad either. Mrs. Booth is amusing.
Next is Anatomy/Physiology...yes, I am still pissed that I'm taking YET ANOTHER science class...I hope someone realizes that I'm going to be graduating with FOUR science credits. Recognition for that would be pretty nice.
Next...Dynamics of Money Management. This is the stupidest class...oh...EVER. They're going to teach me how to balance a fucking checkbook. I can already do this. Why am I there? You tell me, asshole.
And last and most certainly my least favorite..."Correlated Math BIT". The first thing the teacher says is "This class is for those of you who did not or almost did not pass the math section of the Ohio Graduation Test." Which I did pass it, I can guaren-damn0tee I passed it because if I hadn't I would've been put in summer school. I wanted to be in Algebra 2. I'm GOOD at algebra. Instead, they're going to throws fractions and long division at me...I don't like those.

So that's my day...yeah...and we got shown our scrubs today. They are SO UGLY. I'm going to look horrible in that color...but...I still can't wait to get them because I hate wearing dress clothes every god damn day...it's annoying me and it's only the second day.

Oh, and again...go read the song, wench.

Da song

2005-08-22T19:17:00.000-07:00

OK i told Cora i would write a song for her a long time ago. But as far as song writing goes i suck. BUT!....the muse struck me today i wrote one. So here goes. Im sorry if it sucks:

Blow me away

Long long ago
an eternity it seems
i was full of hate
and unrequited dreams
BLOOD & HONOR!!
was my battle cry
each time i said it
a little more of me would die

You blow me away!
YOu blow me away!
A new life has come down on me.
I can see the dawning of a brand new day.

Flash! A light bursts through
an angel decends
to collect what is heavens due.
Instead you kissed me
and spoke a soft word
The dark was gone and now i see!

You blow me away!
You blow me away!
A brand new life has come down on me.
I can see the dawning of a brand new day.

How could i have lived without you?
Without you to help me
see the wonder in each day through
marry me?
we can do anything together
just wait and see!!

YOu blow me away!
YOu blow me away!
A brand new life has come down on me!
I can see the dawning of a brand new day.....

It needs work but not bad for the first draft. Im working on the music to go with it. So just wait a while and i will have a whole song for you.

School

2005-08-22T18:14:00.000-07:00

Well, I started at CTC today, and I have one thing to say: IT'S SO BORING. Enjoyable, my classes should be fun once we get started, lab is sitting at a computer for 2 and a half hours...well, lab will still be boring, but everything else is just...stuff needs to get started. I always hate the first few days of school because nothing happens. That, and everyone is all confused and they get in my way, which is annoying.

Don't feel much like writing anything else, so more later. Night lovelies.

Pictures, As Promised

2005-08-18T21:23:00.000-07:00

I'm going back and adding more details to the last few days...B called and I got in a hurry, so...yeah...

Here are the best six pictures of us as a couple, and then two I took of just Bill...cause he's SEXY.

So lets see now...Jen wanted details. Let me try to remember and go day by day.

Aug 4//Day 1
After I got off the plane and weaved my way out of the crowd of stinky humans, I wandered towards the baggage claim...I figured that's where he would be lurking. I was close. He was right outside security, hiding behind a big pillar...and he moved right as I came around the corner and I pounced. After we kissed to the point that a few more moments and security would have poked us, we headed downstairs to baggage claim to get all my junk. And after we did that, we left.
Oh my god. The weather. ::swoons:: I miss it.
So anyway...we headed straight towards Shilo's (after he got lost for a minute)...but she wasn't home, so I stripped in his backseat, changed clothes, and we hit the mall.
There, I met Porkchop....this could be a blog entry all it's own, but I shall spare thee. So anyway, we wandered around the mall, waiting for Sis to call so I could drop my stuff at her place...and then she did, and we went and did that, and then we picked her up and then we got Porkchop and headed to Willow. Interesting night, I must say...I never knew Bill could be so embarrasing. And then after we hung out there for a while, we took Porkchop home and then went back to Shi's...where Bill and I cuddled for a bit before he left and I went to sleepy-land.

Aug 5//Day 2
I woke up at 7:30 am (AZ time) by being licked by Sis's horny cat. (ON THE FACE. Perverts.) Since B was supposed to be there for me at 8, I went ahead and got ready...and then waited...and waited...and finally, when 10 rolled around, I got pissed and called his ass and woke him the frick up. Needless to say, he got his lazy butt in gear and came in got me in time to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. After that, we went back, got Shi, and she checked us into our own hotel room. So we took her over to the mall real fast, went back, had mad sex...went to take a shower, had more mad sex...got out of the shower, STARTED to have mad sex and then B's dad called. xx;;; So we got up and went to the mall for a bit, and then went to dinner...but my stomach threw a fit because of all the mad sex (it's good for your abs) so I couldn't eat much. Then back to the hotel, mad sex, and then sleepies for a few hours...then B had to go home. ;-; But I slept great.

Aug 6//Day 3 So Bill called at about 8 and woke my lazy butt up, saying he'd be there as soon as he could manage and to have everything packed up. So I got up and cleaned up/packed, completely starkers...before hopping the in the extremely roomy shower to actually get cleaned up. He got there around ten, we left...good stuff...I can't really remember what we did the rest of this day though, so you'll have to forgive me. I THINK we went to the mall with Shi and Porkchop, then Ruby Tuesday's to get tipsy, and then Castles n Coasters for a bit...not sure though. Oh no, wait! Saturday we left the hotel, picked up sis, and then went to his place for dinner. He made me fried shrimp, and Shilo made twice baked potatoes. Then we went outside to his pool...then we went and hade mad sex in his hot tub. ^^ WOO. Bestestest sexxors ever. Then we went to the AZ Mills Mall, wandered...Game Works, where we had more dinner, and then gaming...they won me this little stuffed lion...I named him Grievance and stuffed him between my boobs in my shirt.

Well anyway...that was that night.

Aug 7//Day4
Sunday...well...Bill didn't get to come over until about noon because he had chores to do, but when he did come over, we went to Castles N Coasters and got stalked by Miss Bitch. Which got B very upset. After he talked to her privately (::snarl::) we went and bought a cheap bottle of vodka, went to Shi's pool, and they got drunk. I didn't because the damn vodka tasted like shite and I'm a fruit.
Anywho...Bill got the drunkest and ended up passing out on Shi's couch...so we called his dad and took his keys. Dad was not happy...but around 3:30am B came back to himself. (I figured this out, because I woke up when his hand went from being draped over my stomach to groping me...) So at like 5 am Shi went back to her room and passed out again, and then around 7 he and I woke up and had mad sexxors, because alcohol in small doses makes me horny. Then we went back to sleep, and then woke up again and he ended up leaving...He ended up getting grounded for a weekend (not that weekend) and all that. I didn't get to see him the rest of the day. ;-;

Aug 8//Day 5
Lunch with Karen was the only time I got to see B, so no mad sex today. 2 hours with parent. ;-; Scary. BUT Karen likes me loads and thinks I'm the bomb so...that means his dad HAS to like me and there may be marriage funds in our future. Woot.
We went to Red Lobster and he ate more than Karen and I combined...(He's such a pig sometimes.)...so while he stuffed his face Karen and I sat and chatted and made fun of him. On the way back to Shilo's Karen and I decided that we're going to keep him out of the army by claiming that he's gay and hiring some really hot guy to be his "boyfriend"...he didn't think that was very funny though.

Aug 9//Day 6
B had to work today, so again, not much seeing...I can't really remember what we did that day, and neither can he, so oh well. Wasn't important.

Aug 10//Day 7
After he got off work, I made him a breakfast of pancakes, eggs and bacon. Shi had left us alone in her house, so after we ate we had mad sex on her living room carpet. Some of the best we had. Then we went and hung out with Porkchop for a while, and then we went and saw the Dukes of Hazzard. I picked up Daisy's accent, so he got all horny...that was pretty much that day. Well...yeah, pretty much.

Aug 11//Day 8
Got up early because I had to leave....didn't get to brush my teeth...ew. Had brekkers at some weird place that was cold. Went to the airport and sat and took pictures. (See above, duh.) Then I had to leave and we were sad and the plane ride sucked...and...

...that's my story. Things may be added as they are remembered.

Now I'm going to go jabber at my honey bunny.

A little something...

2005-08-17T18:45:00.000-07:00

What do your responses tell us?
Although your scores were generally quite good, you scored well outside the normal range in at least one category. This suggests that you should probably consult with a mental health professional for further testing or treatment. There is most certainly a professional out there who can help improve the symptoms you are experiencing.

The following are the areas of concern detected by the screening:

You have suffered from what appears to be a brief psychotic episode. This could be a product of many different disorders, both mental and physical. See a psychiatrist for further diagnosis.
Your symptoms point to Major Depressive Disorder.
Your symptoms point to Bipolar Disorder.
You show strong signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
You appear to suffer from panic disorder with agoraphobia.
Your responses strongly indicate that you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder.
Your responses indicate that you suffer from Somatoform Disorder.
Your responses strongly indicate that you suffer from Body Dysmorphic Disorder.
The test also detected symptoms of one or more disorders that did not meet all the criteria, but that may still merit treatment.

The following are the areas of concern detected by the screening:

You experience some symptoms of Simple Phobia.
You appear to have some obsessive thoughts.
You exhibit some compulsive thoughts or behaviors.
You experience some symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
You appear to suffer from some symptoms of Dependent Personality disorder.

I've bolded what I actually have. XDD

It's so funny that websites can actually figure this crap out.

Do I Need Therapy?

Funniness.

...pictures ASAP.

Are you ready boots? Start walking. Let’s go.

You keep saying you got something for me.
Well officer, I don’t mind to say you do.
Now you’re looking right where I thought you’d be looking.
Legs come handy when laws in front of you.

Chorus:

These boots are made for walking, that’s just what they’ll do.
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

You believe you stopped me for a reason.
And I’m pretending my bending’s just for fun.
You keep playing where I got you playing, yeah;
these double-d initials work to run

Chorus

I’m the girl with the good ol’ boys;
don’t mean you no harm, just have my way with hazard county charm.
Ain’t a crime in having a little fun.

Southern stride, I got my sexy eyes, where my boots at, ha.

Strut yourself, come on,
hey ya’ll come on, wanna come see something,
uh huh, uh huh, can’t touch, can I get a hand clap,
for the way I work my back.

Tick tock, all around the clock, drop it,
push ya tush, smack that,
can I get a Sooey, can I get a Yee-haw!

You keep thinking what you shouldn’t be thinking.
Another two buttons down till you’re kissing the ground.
I’m a gonna send you back home baby crying.
But Uncle Jessie he sure is gonna be proud.

Chorus x2

Come on boots!
Start walking. Come on ladies!
Hey ya’ll come on, wanna come see something,
uh huh, uh huh, can’t touch,
can I get a hand clap, for the way I work my back.

Tick tock all around the clock, drop it,
push ya tush, smack that,
can I get a Sooey, can I get a Yee-haw!

...fuck. Don't talk to me.

2005-08-16T11:19:00.000-07:00

I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.

I hate it. I do. not. want. to. be. here.

Ohio sucks and needs to be blown up entirely. Because then where would I live? Yeah, that's right, with MY FIANCEE.

Anonymous said...
He may be the love of your life but are you sure you are the love of his? Or his only?

Okay, I don't know who you are, and I really don't care. I have a feeling that you are that stupid, stalking, dumb ass, ugly-as-fuck little bitch who goes by "Livena", but whose name is actually Amber. But if not, oh well, I'm sure that you are a stupid, stalking, dumb ass, ugly-as-fuck little bitch too. Anyway, you need to back the fuck off and get over yourself. I know that I am Lee's only, and that he loves me, and that I'm the love of his life. Yeah, that means you don't have a fucking chance. Get over it and go buy yourself a vibrator.
Oh, and if this IS miss bitch Amber? You aren't the best blow he's ever had, honey. I can get him off faster and easier than any one else. Not only that, but I'm the only one that can get him off, get him back up, and fuck him until he MOANS.

Now go away.

Well, now that I got that out of my system...

...I miss him. I need a damned job so I can go back out there. Job, anyone? Anyone?

Edit @ 8:22pm: ...I got five comments in like...five hours. WTF. That's the most comments I've ever gotten...like...ever. >.> Keep it up.
And Miss Jen Anonymous: Hi. You should definately get an account, even if you just use it for commenting, because I think Lee and I both are going to end up turning off comments if the harrassment doesn't stop. Well, maybe not Lee, I can't speak for him...but I know that I will. I can't handle the constant bullshitting...it fucks with my mind and my relationship.

...YAY. ::in a slightly better mood::

2005-08-08T10:58:00.000-07:00

Heeeeeeee...

::much gigglie ness::

I'm in Arizona right now....I'm using Sissy's computer to type this out. I'm bored and I wanted to touch a keyboard, what can I say?

My past four days have been amazing. I don't want to bore you, so I won't give all the details (YET!) but let it be known that I am incredibly happy and I'm having the time of my life. I've finally met my sister, met a new "friend" (I dunno if I consider Porkchop a friend yet or not... oO; He's to weird. )...and I've spent every single day with the love of my life. ^^

Well...I think I'm done for now. OH! And hopefully next time I'll have pictures. ::crosses fingers:: I hope I have the money when I get home....

2005-07-27T19:26:00.000-07:00

Yup, that it is.

And hardly a week until I leave to go to Arizona...

What sucks though is that we still don't have a house, and so I have to go stay with my grandmother until I leave...hopefully the house will be ready by the time I return. I hope.

Well, at least I'll be getting away for a week...dinners and movies and arcades and roller coasters and love...lots of love.

I can't wait.

2005-07-26T10:46:00.000-07:00

For sis ^^

...Just because. ^^
NINEDAYSninedaysninedaysninedaysninedaysninedaysninedays ::big breath:: ninedaysninedaysninedaysninedaysninedays...NINEDAYS.

2005-07-24T23:25:00.000-07:00

harlequinndreams (8:52:31 PM): Women are superior to men!
harlequinndreams (8:52:32 PM): Why?
harlequinndreams (8:52:43 PM): Because they have a place on their body purely for PLEASURE!
harlequinndreams (8:52:54 PM): And that is why WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR TO MEN.
harlequinndreams (8:52:57 PM): The end! ^^-

...I am a sometimes feminist.

By the way, just to prove how pathetic I am:

Me: (regular voice) I love you
Lee: (regular voice) I love you too
...Moment of silence
Lee: (softer) I love you
Me: (also softer, sigh) I love you too
...Moment of silence
Me: (whisper) I love you...
Lee: (barely heard) I love you...

...please note that this happens five or six times every conversation, and if it doesn't, neither of us sleep. -.-

2005-07-24T17:26:00.000-07:00

I am beautiful, no matter what you say, and your words don't mean SHIT to me. Lies from faceless strangers drift into my ears and right back out, but the truths from a soft-eyed love stay forever in my mind.

Dunno where that came from...BUT I'M SO PRETTY.

2005-07-21T20:01:00.000-07:00

I think I'm broken.

All day, I've just been...depressed. Something feels wrong. I don't know WHAT, but something is wrong. Someone I love is hurting, and I don't know who or why...and I'm depressed. Broken.

I haven't heard from Bill at all today. No texts or anything. So that worries me, but also lends it's piece to the depression...

I don't know what's wrong with me...I'm just...blah. I really just want to curl up in a little ball with my stupid little stuffed pig, some cookie dough, maybe some actual cookies...and just...I dunno, cry? Something...I dunno...but I think I'm going to go to bed soon.

Goddess, I feel like shite. And I miss Bill.

2005-07-20T15:09:00.000-07:00

I got bored again. ><>

For some reason, this didn't turn out as well as I wanted it to. I'm not quite as satisfied as I was with the angel version:

Oh yes, I like that one much better...except for the background. Well, I used to like the background...I definately think that the moon and the stars around it ruin the whole thing.

-sigh- Oh well.

2005-07-19T15:06:00.000-07:00

I just realized something: It's been a while since I've REALLY updated. You know, said something about how I feel other than "happyhappyhappy!"

Well, I am happy. Very much so. I mean, I get to see my fiancee like...four months early. Not just see him, but I don't have to worry about his mom randomly calling and making him come home or something. I'm actually going out there. I get to see how he lives.

I'll be there for a whole week.

I'm staying with my sister, Shilo. That'll be really exciting too. It'll be really nice to get to know my sister, not just talk to her over the internet. (With my luck, she'll totally hate me...)

And I think I'm meeting Bill's step mom, too. I really would like too. She seems like a good woman; I mean, she's the one that helped me get out there, really. Because Bill's dad didn't want to let me. But Karen saved the day. (Go Karen! Much love to my future stepmother-in-law.)

And you know...I'm really just hoping that Bill and I will have time to just cuddle up and fall asleep. Call it a fantasy of mine but it's something I really want. I mean, when he was home last, I fell asleep on HIM but...that's not really the same thing in my eyes. Oh well, I'm hopeful.

So there. An update on how I'm actually feeling.

And now, the expected "stupid" update:

Whenever I see someone
Less fortunate than I
(And let's face it - who isn't
Less fortunate than I?)
My tender heart
Tends to start to bleed
And when someone needs a makeover
I simply have to take over
I know I know exactly what they need
And even in your case
Tho' it's the toughest case I've yet to face
Don't worry - I'm determined to succeed
Follow my lead
And yes, indeed
You will be:

Popular!
You're gonna be popular!
I'll teach you the proper ploys
When you talk to boys
Little ways to flirt and flounce
I'll show you what shoes to wear
How to fix your hair
Everything that really counts

To be popular
I'll help you be popular!
You'll hang with the right cohorts
You'll be good at sports
Know the slang you've got to know
So let's start
'Cause you've got an awfully long way to go:

Don't be offended by my frank analysis
Think of it as personality dialysis
Now that I've chosen to be come a pal, a
Sister and adviser
There's nobody wiser
Not when it comes to popular -
I know about popular
And with an assist from me
To be who you'll be
Instead of dreary who-you-were... well, are
There's nothing that can stop you
From becoming popu-ler ... lar!

La la la la
We're gonna make you popular

When I see depressing creatures
With unprepossessing features
I remind them on their own behalf
To think of
Celebrated heads of state or
Specially great communicators
Did they have brains or knowledge?
Don't make me laugh!

They were popular! Please -
It's all about popular!
It's not about aptitude
It's the way you're viewed
So it's very shrewd to be
Very very popular
Like me!

And though you protest
Your disinterest
I know clandestinely
You're gonna grin and bear it
Your new found popularity
La la la la
You'll be popular -
Just not as quite as popular
As me!

2005-07-17T12:40:00.000-07:00

You are the loving couple. Now all couples love
but you two seem to be perfect for each other.
You hardly fight, you're not afraid to show
your feelings in public, and you understand
each other. That's not to say you don't have
your bumpy points in the road. You may have
huge arguements but you never get over each
other and you put each other first no matter
what. If you mess up you try to see what was
wrong and try to improve it.

What Kind Of Couple Are You And Your Partner?
brought to you by Quizilla

^^ -purr-

2005-07-16T19:40:00.000-07:00

If you look to the left bar...

<<--------- Over there. ...you'll see a counter. Its counting down until I go out to Arizona. :D Cheers. -lifts Pepsi bottle and downs it-

Edit: 1041AM July 17

Apparently, my comments were fucked up. They are now fixed. Thanks for pointing it out Shi.

2005-07-14T18:20:00.000-07:00

Shi asked me not to post this, but the news got out anyway, so fuck it.

I'm going to Arizona, and Fumv is paying for it.

August 4-8. Don't like it? Tough.

:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD Happiness doesn't even come close to this.

2005-07-08T23:06:00.000-07:00

Good morning beautiful
How was your night
Mine was wonderful
With you by my side
And when I open my eyes
And see your sweet face
It's a good morning beautiful day

I didn't see the light
I didn't know day from night
I had no reason to care
But since you came along
I can face the dawn
Cause I know you'll be there

Good morning beautiful
How was your night
Mine was wonderful
With you by my side
And when I open my eyes
And see your sweet face
It's a good morning beautiful day

I'll never worry
If it's raining outside
Cause in here with you girl
The sun always shines

Good morning beautiful
How was your night
Mine was wonderful
With you by my side
And when I open my eyes
And see your sweet face
It's a good morning beautiful day, yeah

A good morning beautiful...day

Good morning beautiful
A beautiful day
Good morning beautiful
Good morning beautiful
A beautiful day
Good morning beautiful day
A beautiful day
Good morning beautiful

Happy. That's pretty much all I can say for myself right now. I'm happy. Terribly, terribly happy.

2005-07-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

Your Man is Seifer! He's evil, cunning, and
conceited, but you like a challenge...and the
rewards that come with it. ;)

Which Final Fantasy VIII Guy are You Compatible With?
brought to you by Quizilla

...as if we weren't expecting this.

You're... Riku. Confident, strong, cocky,
attractive, cool... you're the real Riku, THE
Riku, the one to be admired and pitied and
hated all at once. You're fascinating because
you're a normal person and not just one aspect
of yourself. Full of surprises, and yet
predictable at the same time. You're very cool,
and don't worry-- there IS the occasional
fangirl that DOES love you for you. ^_~

Which Riku Are You? (Kingdom Hearts)
brought to you by Quizilla

...duuuuh.

You are the Pumpkin Head... you love to Freak
people out O.O

Kingdom Hearts: What Keybalde Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ooooh, my second favorite keyblade. -evil chuckle-

Your mate is Riku! Cool, caring, and responsible;
he wants to be passionate yet feel loved. You
will be very pleased with his practices and
techniques. He's a hot bishy with a lot to
give!

Which Kingdom Hearts character would have sex with YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla

Again. Duh. Puh-leeeeaaase.

harlequinndreams (7:25:30 PM): leik omfg its u
harlequinndreams (7:25:42 PM): lawlz
Replica Kakumei (7:25:48 PM): lolz ur rite
harlequinndreams (7:25:51 PM): XDDDD
Replica Kakumei (7:25:57 PM): wus up?/
harlequinndreams (7:26:20 PM): n2mh dud wats wit u/?
Replica Kakumei (7:26:53 PM): nuttin, jus trin' 2 call muh luvr lolzz!1
harlequinndreams (7:27:08 PM): lol lol tat's kewl
Replica Kakumei (7:27:17 PM): lol i no
harlequinndreams (7:27:41 PM): omg my bf is alot hotter than urs
harlequinndreams (7:27:42 PM): n/o
Replica Kakumei (7:28:03 PM): omg u did not jus say dat1
harlequinndreams (7:28:12 PM): ya i did
Replica Kakumei (7:28:15 PM): ho1

This is what orange juice does to you.

Modeling was super-fun!

2005-07-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

So pissed right now.

AMBER. Leave me ALONE. Stalking me won't make Bill come back to you. It will push him away from you. LEAVE ME ALONE. I don't want you commenting on my deviant art. Or Vampire Freaks. Or here. OR ANYWHERE. You are stalking me. I can have you arrested for that. SO STOP. God damn.

2005-07-02T18:16:00.000-07:00

He was a hard-headed man
He was brutally handsome, and she was terminally pretty
She held him up, and he held her for ransom in the heart
of the cold, cold city
He had a nasty reputation as a cruel dude
They said he was ruthless, they said he was crude
They had one thing in common, they were
good in bed
She'd say, 'Faster, faster. The lights are turnin' red."
Life in the fast lane
Surely make you lose your mind, mm
Are you with me so far?

Bill says this is about us....I pretty much concur. Hoorah for the Eagles.

2005-07-01T09:27:00.000-07:00

Message from Lee. *-* -points downward-

Feeling a bit better now...he's supposed to call me tonight. -dreamy sigh- I miss his voice. But at least this time I can remember it clearly.

Modelling at Pam's went well, I suppose. I'll be posting pictures of all of that shortly...

And I think I'm gonna go back to the regular layouts...or SOMETHING...because the tiny-ness of this one is starting to get on my nerves. -sigh-

You are never without me

2005-07-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

You are never without me my love. Just a little further away.

2005-06-29T15:22:00.000-07:00

Bah. Lee's in Idaho for the next few days, so I'm currently half dead and stuck in thoughts.

I'm sitting here, listening to Britney Spears, wearing a little hotpink tank top, a perfectly matched belt, tight jeans, and perfectly matched shoes, and as I sit here and think about that, I realized: If I weren't so anti-social...I'd be a prep.

Entirely scary thought, but it's true. Anymore, the kind of music that I really like (emo rock, pop rock mainly) is popular. The clothes that I've always been comfy in are the same ones that the most popular girls in school wear. My hair, if it were longer, would be ultra preppy with my new dye-job. My attitude, my voice...I'm a prep. Just...an antisocial one.

...It amazes me that Lee loves me. More with each day, it amazes me. All I ever really want to talk about is the wedding, having kids, getting old together...and he doesn't seem to care. He talks with me, is interested. He's so incredibly sweet to me...like pocky for the heart.
Heh, I like that...pocky for the heart.
But anyway...he's...woo.

I'm gonna go babysit my Matty now, and play mommy for the next few hours while I try and distract myself from my lack of Lee.

2005-06-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

Wow. First real argument with Lee. I don't know what to think.

I was close to breaking the engagement over a lie about who took a few pictures. I feel so dumb now. I guess the main reason it bothered me was because my pride was wounded. But I'll be okay. We talked it out (not yelled, what a relief) and fixed it, told each other we loved each other and that was that. I feel a lot better.

And please, if you are one of our mutual friends, or one of his friends reading my blog...do me a favour, please. Don't ask him or tell him to lie to me. Don't put him in a position where he has to lie.

The reason it happened this time is because Shilo knows I don't like him being around Amber, and she took the pictures. Yeah, it would have upset me that he was around Amber, but I know that it's going to happen. She got him in more trouble overall by lying to me, and making him lie to me in turn.

Please don't do that to our relationship. Please, if you are a friend or enemy...don't do that to us.

2005-06-25T19:11:00.000-07:00

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
~~Just thought you were the one~~
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

...I feel like shit. I really, really, REALLY need a cigarette about now.

2005-06-25T15:57:00.000-07:00

Today I told my mother that we're engaged to be married. She reacted well, actually, and said that as long as we wait until after I graduate she'll support us. She even got a price list for my dress and such...it's probably going to be outdated soon and so we have to get it soon. She's even putting my wedding before hers.

Where would I be without my mother, and my lover? Lost entirely.

More later.

2005-06-24T18:57:00.000-07:00

Well, this sucks.

Upon further inspection of the rules that the artist of the old image that was my header...she doesn't want people using her photography for personal layouts and stuff. So new image, without that little rule in my way. I don't like it AS much...but...it still conveys what I wanted: love.

2005-06-23T22:01:00.000-07:00

...I follow trends.

Save a horse, Ride a cowgirl.

Welcome to the Mustang Ranch gentlemans club -wink-

Lucky you, I took a picture of my arse.

Because my webcam sucks, this is as sexy as I get.

Viola. I am now a sheep.
<3 Thank you.

2005-06-22T18:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, real update!

Well. First of all, my computer is offically sexy. -goes to take screenshot-

Oh yes. You know you want some of that. BUT IT'S MINE. Muwahahahaha.
Anyway. -cough- I'm going to Arizona to see Bill as of July 28th, 2005...until July 31, 2005. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm spending three nights and four days alone with Bill in a hotel room that will be equipped with our very own King size bed and shower. Woot. You cannot defeat me now!
Now, note that it's not "official" yet...he's buying the tickets within the next week. Which is totally cool by me...I'm in no hurry for him to blow $383. But...eh.

Let's see, let's see, other news...hmmmm...can't really think of any. Moose's birthday is next Thursday, gonna go out to eat to celebrate. Note to self: buy Moose a present.
So there's my update for now. -twirl-

2005-06-20T21:30:00.000-07:00

I looked away
Then I looked back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today is the day
I pray that we make it through
Make it through the fall
Make it through it all
And I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you
You're the only one
I'd be with 'til the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms
And I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you
Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means
Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything
Everything
I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
And I don't want to talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
'Cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you

We all know who he is. -smiles faintly- Thirty-eight days until I'm supposed to go out there.

2005-06-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

I am so very proud of this photomanipulation. It took about an hour.

Bill made a perfect model, despite the fact that I didn't take the picture. Shilo did. Hope you don't mind that I...poked at it a bit, hon. ^^;

My day was boring. Bill's getting sick. :/ Ugh. I made him go to bed waaaaaay early. I worry about him a lot.

Still no news on me going out there. His dad won't say anything about it either way. That worries me. I HAVE to go out there. If I don't....I think I'll implode.

2005-06-18T22:58:00.000-07:00

-low, angry growl...backs into her den and nestles-

I'm so angry. Again. Same reasons as usual.

Obviously, my opinions about certain PEOPLE mean nothing. My fears go completely ignored. My thoughts mean nothing.

Choking.

there is warmth
spilling
bodily fluids
c-o-a-t-i-n-g
sticking to my skin
where they aren't wanted
seeing red
anger
rage
j-e-a-l-o-s-y
E.N.V.Y

fragile in thought
mentality, unstable
tears pouring from
bloodshot eyes
c-o-a-t-i-n-g
blushed cheeks
as i lay
dying
inside
seeing red
anger
rage
j-e-a-l-o-s-y
E.N.V.Y

2005-06-17T11:43:00.000-07:00

-sigh- Irritated.

Rinny's bridal appointment is today. I hope she remembers. If she wants a ride, she better be callin' in the next two hours. Or else she's stuck. I don't want to hear her whine at me that she couldn't go because I didn't call her. BS. I just called her house and she's not there. I don't want to call Kada, because he's a jerk. So tough luck for her, ne?

Rinny sweetie, if you're reading this and thinking, "I would not whine!", then let me say this: I love you to death, girl, really....but you being pregnant HAS made you a bit pitiful. Not a bad thing. But with the weight of planning my own bloody wedding on my shoulders, trying to help you, failing, and then getting bitched at makes me grumpy. Sorry.

2005-06-16T17:17:00.000-07:00

it's only 8 o'clock
and already i'm dying.
an hour ago you replied
and i was content
for five seconds.
it's only 8 o'clock
and i'm loosing my mind.
there are little kids
running down the hall
outside
my room,
but they aren't ours
so i don't really care.
it's only 8 o'clock
and there are still
f-o-u-r h-o-u-r-s
until i can hear your voice
and breathe.
it's only 8 o'clock
and already i'm dying.
i'm loosing my mind.
and it's only
8-o-c-l-o-c-k

Amusing

2005-06-16T09:38:00.000-07:00

I wonder often times at the ludicracy of life. My being with Lein is one of those things. If most knew the history we share they would wonder why we are together. Hatemo (annonomys who can spell) im glad that you see fit to take an intrest in my affairs. But on the other hand i hope you realise that it takes great resraint and effort to see things that way.
You, Hatemo, know my history and a side of me only one other person knows. You tell me that your goal for me is to find a woman i love, settle down and die of old age. Then may i ask why you are saying such things about me? Just were do your loyalties lie?

Lein...i love you as much as any man can and i find it gorwing deeper and stronger every day.

2005-06-16T08:52:00.000-07:00

Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong

Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything, opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright, for once in my life
Now all that's left of me is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

Cause I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me, then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you, it kills me now
No, I don’t cry on the outside anymore
Anymore

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Okay, so I don't have hazel eyes. But I like this song, damnit!

2005-06-14T22:40:00.000-07:00

I hate when jealousy eats away at me for no reason.

I hate that SHE is so close to him and I'm stuck out here. I hate the he has so many female friends. I hate that they all love him. I hate that I don't know for certain when and if he's coming home. I hate that I don't know if I'll be able to go out there. I hate that I'm too broke to help it. i hate HER. I hate all his 'girlfriends'. I hate myself for being so jealous.

I BANISH HATRED.

....not helping...nothelpingnothelpingnothelping...

Oh my god. I'm turning into one of those little emo writers who whines about everything all the time....oh well.

My life is empty.
------------------------

On a slightly lighter note, found the wedding gown of my dreams and started crying in the middle of David's Bridal. Had a nice LOOOOONG phone conversation with the love of my life and yeah....felt great when I was actually on the phone, but then I had to go back in my room and ruin it all with my jealous train of thought.

I'm going to go eat, and then I'm going to go to bed. Alone. As usual.

FUCK HAPPY COUPLES.

2005-06-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

So instead of sleeping like I should be, I'm being depressed and lonely and I'm going through old poetry on my old DA account. I'm posting it ALL here. Have a good read...I guess...?

Feelings
i'm sitting here
i'm deep in thought
why don't you love me?
why aren't you mine?
i know i was bad
i deserve what you give me
why does it hurt so much
when you say that phrase?
i love you too
i can't let go
why must we end this way?
i'm sorry
you know i'll do anything
to have you back, right?
i miss you
i need you
this pain will fade, right?
i promise i'll be perfect
i love you

Untitled
my mind is all astray
thinking of better days
your voice still haunts me
and i wonder if you want me
my body has shut down
my emotions are yet to be found
my heart still aches
my body still quakes
i want to hear you say those words
but everytime it's like a curse
my reasoning has gone away
and all i want is to hear you say
i love you, i need you, i miss you so
but this is not to be i know
so i lie in wait and waste my life
try my hardest not to cry
because my soul will live or die
depending on your chosen lies

Remember
remember...
the night we met, the smile on my face?
remember...
the conversations, and staying up till four?
remember...
our nights together, the looks of love we shared?
remember...
the fun we had, being together everday?
remember...
the wrestling matches on my living room floor?
remember...
you tickling me until i couldn't take it anymore?
remember...
the first night we slept side-by-side?
remember...
all the things that, from you, i couldn't hide?
remember...
the whispered prayers you stole from my body at night?
remember...
the fights we had, and how we made them right?
remember...
the jokes we shared, the laughter among friends?
remember...
that i'll love you, up till the very end.

Do You?
do you love me? say it
do you need me? say it
your eyes are so hidden
your tones tell me lies
are you angry? are you sad?
are you happy, are you mad?
is it my fault? of course
it has always been my fault
what can i do? i love you
i want to make things okay
tell me it's okay
tell me it's alright
because i need to know tonight
do you love me? say it
do you need me? say it

Ring
my little reminder
is burning on my finger
it is as gold as the sun
it is never-ending
it is my little forever
my little reminder
that you gave to me
it's always there
shining
and my little reminder
reminds my you aren't mine
i want my little reminder
to remind me of better days

Like Me
one word
small, like me
unimportant to you, like me
sometimes sad, like me
sometimes oh-so happy, like me
it can hurt, like me
it can kill, like me
it can make you crazy, like me
it will never go away,
and because i love you
nor will i

Tears
there is something
rolling down my cheek
it's warm and wet
it is for you, love

there is something on my cheek
it won't stop coming back
everytime i think of you
make it go away

there is something on my cheek
but you're beside me now
you're taking it away
my tears are now of joy

"For Julian" (The title worked at the time.)
there's something missing
in your eyes, your voice
you make me so angry with worry
i'm always afriad for you

i long for you to look at me
and tell me i'm still yours
but every day, i am denied
and then come the tears

i'd give anything and all
for you to hold me and forget her
but my needs and wats are nothing
i breathe only because you tell me to

if i asked god, if there is one,
to answer my questions
what would he say?
why are we always apart?
why, if you love me, won't you have me?

i'm always in pain
but it's my fault
so forgive me if
i fall apart

just remember:
i love you
and i'll be here through thick and thin
until the very end

The Rain Came Down
crying eyes, bloodshot and wide
people rushing by and pushing her aside
she screams into the lonely night
let it end, let the rain pour
and the rain came down
lightning flash and all the pain came down
sadness turned to rage left bleeding
words said now not for repeating
dancing couples, frozen tears
the music screaming in his ears
nobody wants him, he's not good enough
he tries again and he boyfriend gets rough
and end to sorrow, an end to pain
one small slash stops depressions rein
a permenant end to an over-whelming problem
as i see it, the only was to solve it

Killing Me Again
You're killing me again
You're killing me again
My heart can't take this insane pressure
The weight in my chest is too much to bear.
You're killing me again
You're killing me again
My is racing to find a way
A way that I can make you stay
You're killing me again
You're killing me again
I can't go on without you
I can't see my future without you by my side
You're killing me again
You're killing me again
The blade sings sweetly across that vein
And now it's too late--I'm getting rid of the pain
You've killed me again
You've killed me again

Please note that all of the above are from the time when I loved Erik/Julian, and I thought he was putting me a kind of pergatory for cheating on him with Lee. Obviously, I got over him and grew up, but he is still a big portion of my old life. And now, the song I wrote for Lee...posted again for effect.

Haunting Affair
it's true we had it rough sometimes
and we weren't always the closest
it's true, we probably used each other
and yeah, we were great at boasting
but deep inside, where i always hide
you had a little corner here
and when you were gone, i knew all along
that you would always be there
and when it was dark,
i would hide in your corner
and dream of times when i wasn't afraid
and when it got cold
i wasn't so bold
but your shadow warmed my soul
back together again, it's never really the end
what time does your mom want you home again?
you called me 'kitten' and i knew i was smitten
and when i bit your shoulder, you thrust harder
and when it was dark,
i would hide in your corner
and dream of times when i wasn't afraid
and when it got cold
i wasn't so bold
but your shadow warmed my soul
i don't think we could forget if we tried
but there's really no use in trying again
and once upon a time, when i said i loved you
i think your eyes were greener than ever
and when it was dark,
i would hide in your corner
and dream of times when i wasn't afraid
and when it got cold
i wasn't so bold
but your shadow warmed my soul

I really like his song. Lots more than I like the poetry. Some of it is okay...but...the memories attached to them hurt a bit too much for me.

By the way...still missing Lee terribly...It hurts.

Take the gun and point it where it counts, because I can't live alone any longer...

2005-06-13T22:07:00.000-07:00

Love me tender, love me sweet,
Never let me go.
You have made my life complete,
And I love you so.
Love me tender, love me true,
All my dreams fulfill.
For my darlin', I love you,
And I always will.
Love me tender, love me long,
Take me to your heart
For it's there that I belong
And we'll never part
Love me tender, love me true,
All my dreams fulfill.
For my darlin', I love you,
And I always will.
Love me tender, love me dear,
Tell me you are mine.
I'll be yours through all the years,
Till the end of time.
When at last my dreams come true,
Darling, this I know:
Happiness will follow you,
Everywhere you go.
Love me tender, love me true,
All my dreams fulfill.
For my darlin', I love you,
And I always will.

Feeling incredibly lonely for no real reason other than I am.

Wish he was here. God, how I wish he was here.

2005-06-13T17:10:00.000-07:00

Hm. Haven't updated in a while, have I? At least, not a REAL update. Hmmmm.

Well, Lee psuedo-asked me to marry him. Psuedo as in...we've started referring to the other as our fiance' and I've started planning a wedding that isn't going to happen for at least a year and a half. ^^;;;;;; What can I say, I'm excited!

Oh, bother...here...I'll put Xanga posts here so that I have to type less:

::sighs lightly, looking content::

Well, I'm feeling quite a bit better. Knowing that he'll be home in September or October, knowing that I may be going out there for a bit over the summer...it's certainly comforting, to say the least.
The only problem I'm still having is the fact that each day drags itself out into what feels like several, leaving me mentally exhausted. I don't like the fact that I have barely been out of school a week and already I'm ready to go back to school.
I wish I had more friends who lived close to me and would do stuff with me. Maybe that would help me. Who knows...

There. That helps a bit. Except that...I don't think Lee would be happy with me if I posted a certain rant here as well. Dated Saturday, June 11, 2005, if you want to read it, you'll hunt down my Xanga. I don't want to piss off my FIANCE'. -shivers saying/typing it- I still can't get over that...damn.

Anyway...still trying to get my ass out to Arizona for a bit. Anyone got $392 I can borrow?

2005-06-08T13:12:00.000-07:00

I found this comment on my Seifer's blog, my Lee's.

Anonymous said...
Squall medon, some of knowe him pretty well, and that is what the concern is about. Ever since he left here he has waffled and declared love. you are right not to trust him yet, maybe later you will, but now he has a lot of proving to do.
Angry?...that should scare the shit out of you. think of the "friends" in your life that are angry and how they treat people they "love"
6:16 AM

If you are reading this, whoever you are, I hope you know that you infuriate me. How DARE you claim to know, when you have NO IDEA. I don't know who you are, but if you can say these things, you obviously know neither of us as well as you think. Lee is the sweetest and softest man I have ever met. He cares for me more than even my family and best friends. He has shown me greater love than I even feel I DESERVE. He has more than proven himself to me. Our past has said that. Lee Towers is not a waffler or a womanizer. He is the man that I love and am going to marry and bear children with.
I'm sorry that you can't see that, Anonymous...but maybe, if you are truely one of our friends, you'll see it soon.

2005-06-07T20:59:00.000-07:00

::sighs lightly, looking content::

Well, I'm feeling quite a bit better. Knowing that he'll be home in September or October, knowing that I may be going out there for a bit over the summer...it's certainly comforting, to say the least.
The only problem I'm still having is the fact that each day drags itself out into what feels like several, leaving me mentally exhausted. I don't like the fact that I have barely been out of school a week and already I'm ready to go back to school.
I wish I had more friends who lived close to me and would do stuff with me. Maybe that would help me. Who knows...

2005-06-05T09:19:00.000-07:00

I just now hit me that Lee is really, really, REALLY not here anymore.

And I just now started crying.

There is a deep ache in my chest now, an ache that I should be familiar too, but it still hurts and will always hurt. I miss him so much. I don't know how I am surviving. It's like...like a void. It doesn't go away, it just expands, and expands, and consumes me. And when I feel that I am nearly eaten up by devastation, and I'm so close to giving up...he appears again to me, and everything is okay again.

He has decided to join the Army National Guard. Or is heavily contemplating it, anyway. Not being able to speak to him via phone will be difficult, when he goes to training camp, but...letters will keep me alive. And then he'll be able to come home, because the Guard will pay for his college where his mother cannot. And because he will only be in the Guard...I know he won't go overseas. I won't have to worry as much.

Hyne, goddess...it hurts...

2005-06-04T17:04:00.000-07:00

Name: Cora
Single or taken: Very taken
Sex: Female
Birthday: May 8
Zodiac Sign: taurus
Siblings: 3.
Ethnicity: Irish and German
Hair color: blonde at the moment
Eye color: gray
Height: 5'3
Weight: 130-ish

---

Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: Bisexual, but I've given up everyone but Lee.
Who are your best friends?: Pam, Krizpie, Moose
You have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Boyfriend
How many exes do you have?: Too many
What is your longest relationship?: year and a half
What was your shortest relationship?: 6 hours. (That would have been Josh.)
Will you be faithful in a relationship: I can be with proper incentive. I have proper incentive right now. His name is Lee.
Will you date outside your race? I don't see blacks as attractive, and no Asians like me, so no.
Will you date someone older? I am.
Turn Ons: ...That's not really your business, now is it?
Turn Offs: Eric, idiots, stinky-ness...stuff like that. Excessive hair. ::shudder::

---

Do you do drugs?: Nnnnnope.
What kind of shampoo do you use?: I dunno. It's shampoo.
What are you most scared of?: Being alone
What are you listening to right now: Flogging Molly
Who is the last person that called you?: Hmm...Lee.
Where do you want to get married?: Outside somewhere.
How many buddies are online right now?: Uhm...::counts:: 20.
What would you change about yourself?: Not much. I like me the way I am. But I'd kind of like my hair to be long again...

Favorite:
Actor: Keanu Reeves, Sean Connery, Hayden Christenson...Antonio Banderas.
Hobbies: Fic reading/writing, drawing...photo manipulation.
Colors: green
Numbers: 47, 58, 82
Foods: Ramen, polish sausage...other stuff that I can't currently think of...
Girls names: Catherine Elizabeth
Guys names: Lee Alexander, Tyr Calhoun
Subjects in school: European history
Animals: Kittehs, lions, wolves
Magazine: ::snort::
Movie of all time: Star Wars ep2
Tv show: Good Eats
Drink: Pepsi Vanilla...or strawberry daiquiris...or Irish Crème coffee...or candy blast frappes.
Season: Autumn
State: California
Games: Kingdom Hearts
Candy: Pocky or any kind of chocolate, just about.
Cologne: If only I wore cologne...no, I wear vanilla body mist.
Month: September
Song: These Exiled Years - Flogging Molly

Have you ever:
Given anyone a bath?: My sisters, yeah
Smoked?: Aye
Bungee jumped?: Eeee no
Made yourself throw up?: Nope
Skinny dipped?: Nope
Been in love?: ::hearts in eyes::
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: Absolutely, I'm a girl.
Cried when someone died?: No.
Fallen for one of your best friends?: ::sigh::
Been rejected?: Aye...
Rejected someone?: Aye...
Used someone?: ^^ Aye.
Done something you regret?: Mrr at you.
Dye your hair: Aye...
Frenched someone: Aye...
Shopped for condoms: Heheh...
Had a house party?: Nope.
Fell in love online: ::eye twitch::
Said "I Love You" and meant it?: Aye...

Current:
Car I drive: It's invisable.
Music: Flogging Molly, Gwen Stefani, and Rammstein.
Annoyance: Arthritic hands of doom.
Smell: Pudding
Desktop picture: Flogging Molly
CD in player: Mix thing...
DVD in player: Uhm...?
Location where you live: Mootown USA
Languages do you speak: English, bits of Japanese, German, and French.
Occupation: Alpha bitch.
Screen name: Harlequinn_dreams

Last person:
You touched: Uhm...I dunno.
Hugged: ...Lee.
You yelled at: Krizpie
You kissed: Lee.
You hang out with: Pam
Who sleep in your bed: Me. Oh, you mean other than that? I dunno, Lee laid with me and I fell asleep, that count?

Are you?
Mature for your age? Yes.
Understanding: ::cracks knuckles:: No.
Open-minded: Enough.
Friendly: ::laughs::
Down To Earth: Squall = realist
Arrogant: Incredibly, my lovely.
Insecure: Sometimes.
Random: I imagine...
Hungry: I like food. I am a fat girl stuck in a skinny girl's body.
Smart: Aye.
Moody: Not particularly.
Hard working: Sometimes.
Organized: Someitmes.
Healthy: I suppose...
Shy: Most of the time
Sexual: ::wriggles eyebrows:: Oh baby.
Difficult: Eh, on some things.
Attractive: Absolutely.
Bored easily: I always keep myself occupied.
Obsessed: With...?
Angry: ::growl:: Yes.
Sad: Not yet. It hasn't quite hit me that Lee has left yet. I'm still coasting.
Happy: Yes.
Hyper: Sometimes.
Trustworthy: Absolutely.
Honest: Yup
Responsible: Ha, you're funny...

Who would you?
Kill?: Who we takin' out, boss?
Slap: Lots of people.
Get really wasted with?: Lee, Pam. Maybe Krizpie.
Get high with: Lee.
Talk to offline: ...people.
Talk to online: .......people.
Sex it up with: Lee. Just Lee. I don't do threesomes anymore, because the last time I did, the other chick ended up in strips. Yanno...jerky strips.

--

In the morning I: brush my teeth and bitch about it being too early. Even at 2pm.
All you need is: Porn.
I dream about: Lee.
Sexual preference: Straight enough.
What do you notice first in the person you're into: Eyes, hair.
How do you want to die?: I want to be shot in the head when I turn 55.
Been caught "doing something": Have I? Oh yes, my pet.
Lefty or righty: Lefty.
Do you like to travel: Yup
Will you be the same person if you won the lottery ticket? Yup.

---

Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi.
Flowers or candy: I like getting hugs, personally.
Tall or short: I be short.
Cars or trucks: Trucktrucktruck...
Nike or Adidas: Etnies? Doc Martins? Anyone, anyone?
Mcdonalds or Burger King: BK
Chocolate or vanilla: Swirl
Sour, spicy or sweet: Sweet
Dogs or cats: Wolves and lions.
Hot or cold: Warm.
Land or water: Watah.
Online or phone: Phone I guess...with Lee, online for everyone else.
Book or magazine: Books.

Who:
Makes you laugh the most: Pam
Makes you smile: Lee
Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: Lee...
Can you tell your deepest darkest secret to & not worry about what they'll say or how they'll judge you: Lee...
Do you get in the most trouble with: Lee...
Do you hate as a friend: Moose. >.>

Do you?
Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: Absolutely.
Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: It depends. I used to want a sex change, but lately...I've been feeling fine in my skin. Thank you, Lee and Rinoa.
Wish you were younger: ::eyes you:: Are you sane?
Cry because someone said something to you?: I have but don't anymore. So heartless. I love myself.
Stolen something that is not your's? Nope
Take a shower: Generally humans do that daily, love.
Go to clubs: Sometimes, if a good band if playing.
Gamble: No.
Get into fights: Verbally, all the time. Physically, on occasion.
Attend to church: ::laughs hysterically::

Number?
Of piercings: 5 ish.
Of times I have had my heart broken: Too many
Of hearts I have broken: A few
Of girls I've kissed: Uh...Like...4 or 5 or 12?
Of CD's I own: Lots.
Of DVD's I own: None.
Of scars on my body: Lots.
Of things that I regret: Lots..
Of times I masterbate in a day/week: :D Lots!

2005-06-03T07:45:00.000-07:00

Yaaaaaaay!

And then something random I made...

Miss you already, baby...

2005-05-30T11:08:00.000-07:00

So...everything in my world has returned to the right.

Well, as close as it gets, anyway. I'm arguing-ish with Sarah, because she thinks she's mature for her age and I don't quite agree. But. Whatever.
At five I called Sei and made him feel bad about the false song. He said he did it to impress me. I believe him. I simply told him that if he ever lies to me again about something large or small, it's over and I'm done. I don't like liars.
So then he came over (He wasn't supposed to come over till Tuesday, so YAY!) and we sat around and cuddled for like...half an hour. Then decided sitting around my house is boring, and we drove to Yellow Springs. He wouldn't let me drive. >< We got to YS, went into a single shop, and then went to eat. It took a fucking HOUR to get our food. I was pissed. So by the time we got our food and ate, it was like 9:30 and we needed to hit the road, but I didn't want to head home quite yet. So we drove out to Farmersville, pulled into Krizpie's driveway (since she isn't home) and made love as the sun set. One of the most romantic things I've ever done. ::dreamy sigh::
After we recovered from our hour long fucking spree, we pulled out of Kriz's driveway and headed for my place. His mom was irritated because it was like...11. But I didn't want him to go home yet, so we asked Jeremy if he would take him home after they finished their movie. He said sure. So we just went back in my room, turned off the lights, and laid in my bed and snuggled. I ended up falling asleep. -.- It's been so long since I've been held while I sleep...anyway, so I ended up falling asleep, and he let me rest for about half an hour, but then he really needed to leave so he woke me up, kissed me, told me to go back to sleep, and they took him home.

I have never had so much trouble sleeping in. My. Life.
But it was great to have the half an hour of absolute rest.

I have never, ever, been so in love. I love him more every time I see him. And he might be coming home.
If he comes home for good, like he probably will be...oh Goddess.